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A Beachwood Halloween

Costume suggestions from the Beachwood Halloween Affairs Desk.

1. Dennis Hastert. Wear dark sunglasses and bring a cane, a guide dog, and ear plugs in order to further the impression that you couldn't possibly have known what was going on with Mark Foley. Dress your friends in the same manner so they can come as the rest of the Republican congressional leadership. Break out your old wrestling uniform to charm partygoers dressed as the press. Sample party comment: "Sorry I'm late to the party, it's all George Soros's fault."

2. Red State. Paint yourself in red from head to toe, wear a Dale Earnhardt T-shirt, and carry a bible. Sample party comment: "Pass the pork rinds. Hey - you're just dressed as a homo, right?"

3. Blue State. Paint yourself in blue from head to toe, wear an NPR shirt, and hand out Planned Parenthood brochures with condoms stapled to them. Sample party comment: "Excuse me, hostess? I couldn't help but notice that this party isn't ethnically diverse."

4. Ann Coulter. A long blonde wig, a short black skirt, and a gigantic chip on your shoulder is all that's needed to pull off this costume. Sample party comment: "The only reason we're eating salsa is because the damn liberals let all the Mexicans into the country."

5. Prince Harry. Remember, you're not dressed as a Nazi, you're dressed as Prince Harry dressed as a Nazi. Sample party comment: "Easy on the vodka. I don't want to get blitz-krieged tonight. Ha-ha."

6. Mark Foley. Die your hair gray, and wear an expensive suit with a "No Child's Behind Left" button on your lapel. Sample party comment: "I don't use a bookmark. I just bend over the page."

7. Robert Novak . Wear a three piece suit from the Eighties, execute a comb-over from the Eighties, and scowl. Pitchfork optional. Sample party comment: "I'm going to the bathroom. Anyone else need to leak?"

8. Jim Hendry. Put a pillow under your shirt, doughnut crumbs on your face and a folded up Tribune in your back pocket. Sample party comment: "I brought a cheese tray. It cost $5,000."

9. Nancy Pelosi. Wear a women's business suit, use a full can of hair spray, and don't blink the entire night. Sample party comment: "There aren't any chips in this bowl. We were led to believe the chips would be there."

10. Rush Limbaugh. Put a big, fat cigar in your mouth, carry microphone, and paint half your body as a bottle Oxycontin and the other half as a bottle of Viagra. Sample party comment: "Is that chick a feminazi, or is she just going as a feminazi?"

11. President Bush's War Strategy. Wear a "NO EXIT" sign around your neck and never leave. Sample party comment: "Nice try, but turning out the lights is not
going to work. I will not cut and run."

12. Angelina Jolie. Puff up your lips, wear a lot of lip gloss and carry around about a dozen baby dolls. Sample party comment: "I don't care if that is your husband, he's leaving with me."

13. The Bush Twins going as the Olsen Twins. Go on a gin-and-tonic-with-a-splash-of-blow-only diet until the party to slim up. Get a DUI on the way home. Sample party comment: "Oooh look, there's Prince Harry! Let's flirt!"

14. The CTA. Come in a full-body cast, with each limb a different color. Sample party comment: "Um, can you lend me some money so I can get home?"

15. Dusty Baker. Dress in diapers and carry a rattle. Sample party comment: "I would've had a better costume if my wife and kids weren't at home sick."

16. Ozzie Guillen. Dress as a giant mouth. Sample party comment: "Mark Foley is a fag!"

17. Don Rumsfeld. Dress as a giant butt. Sample party comment: "This party would be twice as effective with half as many people."

18. A Wal-Mart worker. Just dress in last year's hobo costume. Sample party comment: "I need to go to the bathroom. Are we allowed to take breaks at this party?"

19. Rod Blagojevich. Just dress in last year's George Ryan costume. Sample party comment: "If any friend of mine double-dipped here tonight, it was a personal betrayal and I can assure you that I was looking the other way when it happened."

20. Conservative Voter. Stay home.

- Rick Kaempfer, Steve Rhodes, Tim Willette, Natasha Julius, and Scott Gordon

Staying in? Rent these movies for your own little film festival of evil ridiculousness.


Posted on October 26, 2006

MUSIC - School Of Rock Realizes How White It Is.
TV - A Plea To Matt Nagy.
POLITICS - Social Media Platforms Remove War Crimes Evidence.
SPORTS - 100 Choices Better Than La Russa.

BOOKS - Maps For Migrants And Ghosts.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Doing Philosophy At UIC.

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