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Barista! Annoyances Large and Grande

By Maude Perkins
Lady, you just ordered two sizes and no actual drink there.

Posted on February 28, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Macy's:
As an atheist, I see no reason to put up with ubiquitous Christianity all year long and then skip the only good part, Christmas. Accordingly, my children have been taught, like all good Chicagoans, that the real Santa sees kids at the State Street Field's. Only such inflexible dogma could get my husband and I to blow about fifty bucks each year on a sorry Walnut Room breakfast before visiting Santa.

Posted on February 27, 2007

A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Oscars

By Roderick Heath
Apocalypto will be competing against Clint Eastwood's Letters from Iwo Jima in a new category, Best Fake Foreign-Language Film.

Posted on February 22, 2007

Red Carpet Ride

Kate Winslet will wear $8.5 million earrings by Harry Winston. Her hair will be done by Industrial Light & Magic, and her lip balm by Walgreens Chap-ette brand.

Posted on February 22, 2007

The Oddscars

The Beachwood Bookmaking Affairs Desk
Chances Ellen DeGeneres will joke about the show running long, thereby making the show even longer: 100 percent.

Posted on February 22, 2007

Best Song Won't Be

By Don Jacobson
Randy Newman actually deserves to win, but the R&B steamroller will flatten his Pixar ass.

Posted on February 22, 2007

Open Letter

Dear Lin Brehmer:
Remember the old partying adage, "Too early for Floyd"? In this case, "Too early for Floyd" means "Play all the Pink Floyd you like, just play it after I've dressed and left the house."

Posted on February 19, 2007

Barista! How I Roll

By Maude Perkins
One minute to close, all lights are out, regardless of people still in store. You didn't get the fucking message four minutes ago? Now you can feel your way to the door. Thank you, come again.

Posted on February 18, 2007

Cab #4364

"Traffic," Mr. Cool sighed just as I wondered if it was getting hot in there or if it was just me and my car sickness.

Posted on February 17, 2007

Cab #2574

I've never known if van cabs were strictly for airport use or large parties; I confess, in my embarrassed ignorance, I've stood on cold corners and let van cabs go by with nary a wave. Not this time. Yet, the mystery continues.

Posted on February 17, 2007

Cab #4356

Then, startingly, my driver shouted: "Ho's! Ho's! Pussy! Hookers, all up and down Madison! Clean! No AIDS!"

Posted on February 15, 2007

Spoonmantics

By The Beachwood Spooning Affairs Desk
Fleming's vision for Spoonmantics is to enable lovers to give a Valentine's Day gift that illustrates the true deep meaning of love in their relationship.

Posted on February 13, 2007

Barista! Cold Winds Blow

By Maude Perkins
Sure, I wasn't necessarily the nicest I could have been, but at least I didn't tell her to go have her Grey's Anatomy conversation somewhere else.

Posted on February 11, 2007

Cab #6604

A little too much like just getting a ride from a friend.

Posted on February 8, 2007

Barista! Suggestively Selling Out

By Maude Perkins
The district manager threatened to write up any manager whose baristas were not suggestively selling to every customer. And then we, the supervisors, would also be written up for allowing non-suggesting to occur on our shifts.

Posted on February 2, 2007

MUSIC - College Radio, Eh?
TV - The Sublime Hong Kong Phooey.
POLITICS - CTU Strike Notebook.
SPORTS - Official Power Tools Of MiLB.

BOOKS - Trump Trade Guy's Fake Expert.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Renaming Lake Shore Drive.


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