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Open Letter
Lighting up a chemical jihad.Posted on December 11, 2009
Open Letter
Don't let the sky scrape your ass on the way out.Posted on March 16, 2009
Open Letter
Dear Illinois African American Community
Don't settle for Roland Burris. He's a lose-lose proposition.Posted on February 24, 2009
Open Letter
Dear Laurence Msall
Trees, sick people, anyone who needs a quick Xerox - these you deem important enough to protect from the villainous Cook County Board. But not the average Cook County citizen?Posted on March 19, 2008
Open Letter
Dear Urban Bicyclists
My God I'm tired of hearing bikers whine about their lot.Posted on March 7, 2008
Open Letter
Dear Macy's
A family's vow never to return to the Walnut Room is met for another holiday season.Posted on December 19, 2007
Open Letter
Dear Hyde Park Co Op
You are old. You are broke. But you are not beloved.Posted on November 28, 2007
Open Letter
Aldermen Tom Tunney, Ike Carothers and George Cardenas do the mayor's heavy lifting. Because bullshit weighs a ton.Posted on November 14, 2007
Open Letter
Dear Chicago City Council
Defiance and rebellion will never be easier.Posted on November 12, 2007
Open Letter
7Dear Illinois Legislators Considering a Chicago Casino
Casinos are better than lotteries because lotteries don't have restaurants.Posted on October 23, 2007
Open Letter
Dear Washlet Company
You stand accused of using women's naked butts in the most audacious manner possible to move product.Posted on October 4, 2007
Open Letter
Dear Children's Museum
Apparently the kids of Chicago will be forced to play with recalled toys from China if the Children's Museum doesn't get its way.Posted on September 18, 2007
Open Letter
Dear Fellow Parents Planning Birthday Parties
Unless you've just moved into the neighborhood, your neighbors already know how you live. You won't fool anyone by holding your kid's birthday party at the Rainforest Cafe.Posted on July 24, 2007
Open Letter
Dear Eric Zorn and Rich Miller
I still can't believe I got someone fired, possibly ruining her New York magazine career, because of a silly article about company dress codes. That's why I still worry about individual words.Posted on July 10, 2007
Open Letter
Dear Lake Forest
Even the children of Lake Forest, it seems, are not good enough for Lake Forest.Posted on June 26, 2007
Open Letter
Dear Todd Stroger
By your logic, mayors, governors and senators could be disappearing right and left for face lifts, tummy tucks, breast enlargement, and you-know-what enlargement. And we would never know why they were gone.Posted on June 20, 2007
Open Letter
Dear Alderman Natarus
After 36 years, you've talked your way into the story of Chicago. Naturally you must wonder: How will history treat Burton Natarus? Why wait. Let's get started right now.Posted on May 10, 2007
Open Letter
Dear Paul McCartney On The Occasion Of Your Latest Release
Many artists have been saved from your fate, Paul, by meeting an untimely death. I hate to think what Jim Morrison might be up to these days, for instance, if he was still with us. Perhaps hosting Deal or No Deal.Posted on May 2, 2007
Open Letter
Dear New Skin Cancer Specialist
You started pointing out various moles on my arm. "I don't like that one. This one is slightly elevated on one side, I don't like that one. That one is uneven, I don't like that. But I can't cut out all of them. I can't make you like Swiss cheese."Posted on April 17, 2007
Open Letter
Dear Heifer International
The civil rights movement, for example, has been every bit as divided as feminism in its goals and tactics. Yet I don't recall ever hearing an African-American say, "Oh sure, I support equal rights for blacks - but I'm not one of those civil rights activists!"Posted on April 3, 2007
Open Letter
UDear Person Who Let Their Dog Defecate Near The Southeast Corner Of 58th And Kimbark
If I could subpoena every dog within a couple of miles for a stool sample so we could positively ID you with the DNA in your own dog's shit, I would. In fact, there should be a city-wide dog shit DNA database for just this purpose.Posted on March 20, 2007
Open Letter
KDear People Who Normally Park in the 5300 to 5500 Blocks of S Shore Drive
A Northwestern University engineer surmised that "a derivative of a law of physics applies - conservation of cars.They did not disappear or cross over to a parallel universe." Still, they are gone.Posted on March 6, 2007
Open Letter
Dear Macy's
As an atheist, I see no reason to put up with ubiquitous Christianity all year long and then skip the only good part, Christmas. Accordingly, my children have been taught, like all good Chicagoans, that the real Santa sees kids at the State Street Field's. Only such inflexible dogma could get my husband and I to blow about fifty bucks each year on a sorry Walnut Room breakfast before visiting Santa.Posted on February 27, 2007
Open Letter
Remember the old partying adage, "Too early for Floyd"? In this case, "Too early for Floyd" means "Play all the Pink Floyd you like, just play it after I've dressed and left the house."Posted on February 19, 2007
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