The Weekend Desk Report

Whatever happens this weekend, just remember that the terrorists are coming to kill us all.

Texas Hold 'Em
President Bush this week angrily defended his proposal for detaining and interrogating suspected terrorists, saying that the language of the Geneva Convention is too vague. The president took particular issue with Article 3 of the Convention, which prohibits "outrages upon personal dignity." Compliance with this statute, Bush noted, could dismantle the fabric of American college life.

Texas Try 'Em
The president's impassioned call to clarify the Geneva Convention came on the heels of his earlier attempts to shed a little light on another incredibly confusing, vague document. Sadly, as in previous weeks his pleas fell on deaf ears.

Texas Catch and Release 'Em
During the same press conference, President Bush commented on the current border control crisis. Stressing the need to stem the tide of illegal immigration, the president asserted that it is imperative to "treat people with dignity in this country." Given the inherently befuddling nature of such concepts, The Beachwood Reporter Weekend Desk has assembled a quick list of treatments that Mr. Bush apparently finds suitably dignified:

1. Water-boarding
2. Wrongful imprisonment and abuse
3. Lethal injection

Don't all storm the border at once, now.

Texas Holy 'Em
In happier news for the president this week, he appears to have found a rhetorical ally in his ideological war against Islamic extremists. And the strategy seems to be working every bit as well for Pope Benedict as it has for most of our other allies.

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