The Weekend Desk Report

While you're hunting for Easter eggs, we'll stay busy hunting the news.

Market Update
The United States Federal Reserve hit on a novel way to stabilize the plunging dollar: martyr the Son of God. Analysts warn the effect is likely to be temporary.

Passport to Terror
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice pulled damage-control duty this week in the wake of security breaches concerning the three main contenders to replace her boss. Specifically, she apologized for accidentally redeploying John McCain to Baghdad, slipping Barack Obama's name onto a terror watchlist and inadvertently waterboarding Hillary Clinton. Mistakes will happen, people.

The Revelation Will Not Be Televised
Hip to the power of the moving image, China this week mulled the prospect of barring live broadcasts from the always-contentious Tiananmen Square. Ultimately, however, officials feel fairly confident that no one will be able to see remote protesters anyway.

Marathon Stakes
The official Olympic warm-up season begins this weekend with the perennially popular Plausible Deniability Marathon. Historic pace setters witness tampering and convenient legal misinterpretation look to fade early to this year's juggernaut, questionable chain of custody. It's a one-horse race, folks.

Supernova
Finally this week, a note to all of those lesser celebrities constantly jockeying for attention with sham marriages, naked antics and general air of desperation: This is how a universal superstar really self-destructs.

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Programming Note: Steve Rhodes will appear on Fox Chicago Sunday at 8 a.m. discussing the Internet and politics.