The Weekend Desk Report

Seek the truth. We'll stick with the news.

Market Roundup
The American Civil Liberties Index took a beating this week as privacy, equality, and free speech all posted major losses. Health and prosperity rallied briefly on news of a new vaccine, but ethics complaints wiped out the early gains.

Bordering on Insanity
Now that the U.S. Senate has approved construction of a barrier along the nation's border with Mexico, attention has shifted to other issues of border security. The vast construction project has fueled fears that waves of Canadian softwood lumber will flood Northern states in search of work. Reports suggest that President Bush is preparing to mobilize 15,000 National Guard troops to cope with the problem. Sources also indicate he will send 1,250 troops to police the testy Illinois-Indiana border and keep another 45,000 on active duty to secure wedding receptions, senior proms and children's birthday parties.

You Know Urine Trouble When . . .
Just in time for the busy Memorial Day weekend, New York authorities announced plans to deploy talking urinal cakes that will lecture men on the dangers of drunk driving. Officials will target bars known for patrons who are generally hammered enough to accept the advice of a loquacious toilet. Given estimates of the average frequency of drunken bathroom visits, the conversations could be lengthy and robust. No word yet from the NSA on whether these communications will be monitored for signs of terrorist activity.

The Hollywood Code
Here at The Beachwood Reporter Weekend Desk, we strive to always be neutral in our coverage of the stories that shape your world. However, some issues are simply too important for us not to weigh in. And so we add our collective voice to the calls to boycott a very dangerous new film, filled with absurd notions and outright lies. You may think a group of talking animals is just harmless fun, but it's not hard to see the hidden agenda.

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