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The Weekend Desk Report

Don't worry. Enjoy your weekend. Everything is just fine . . .

Market Update
In a desperate attempt to calm a panicky market, the Federal Reserve is prepared to confirm that NASA miscalculated the most recent job figures. The data set released on Friday was actually from August 1937. Don't worry; you totally still have a job. Everything is just fine.

Life on Mars
In related news, NASA has announced with absolute certainty that none of its astronauts have ever flown drunk. None of them are batshit crazy, either. Everything is just fine.

On the Home Front
In still more related news, NASA has announced with absolute certainty that there is no more fat to trim from the Cook County budget, and that none of the non-existent fat involves Bill Beavers. Everything is just fine.

You Are Now Free to Sit Your Skank Ass Down
Southwest Airlines this week angered Iraq War hardliners by ordering an immediate "draw-down" of its passengers' "troops". Despite angry rhetoric from General Petraeus, analysts note that most people support a "pull-out", if you know what we mean. And we think you do.

Jail's Skilling Him
Meanwhile, incarcerated former Enron executive Jeff Skilling has asked for a new trial, asserting that the original prosecution used "incorrect legal theories" to secure a conviction. Observers are quick to point out that Skilling is uniquely qualified to spot such inaccuracies, so prospects for a new hearing look strong.

War of Words
Meanwhile, it wouldn't be a week of our Commander in Chief didn't piss off a friend. Despite international confirmation that North Korea has abandoned its nuclear weapons program, President Bush has called for more inspection and satellite monitoring. By NASA.

Everything is just fine.


Posted on September 8, 2007

MUSIC - Spring Awakening Wake-Up Call!
TV - Exclusive! Rahm's New TV Gig.
POLITICS - The Political Odds UPDATED.
SPORTS - NHL: CTE Not Our Fault.

BOOKS - Stan Lee, Flawed Hero.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Chicagoetry: I Am Iron Man.

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