The Weekend Desk Report
Editing power of the The Weekend Desk Report has been temporarily transferred to the minions of Natasha Julius as she undergoes a complicated procedure including yoga and a mountain retreat. We hope when she returns her nourished soul will still retain its breathtakingly brilliant edge. Or else we'll be really pissed. The stories we'll be watching for you over the next 48 hours:
Lock Your Doors
Spend the day in undisclosed locations such as bomb shelters and underground tunnels while Dick Cheney assumes control and tries to round up as many blacks, Jews, atheists, gays, Democrats, trial lawyers, war critics, feminazis and fans of Family Guy as possible during his presidency.
Koo Koo Kachoo
Richard J. Tubb, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
India vs. America. Discuss.
A worldwide ruse designed by aliens to identify the planet's lamest humans comes to a close this weekend. All those who qualify will now be carted off for the Cygnus star system, where most will be used on work farms, though some will be packaged for an intergalactic circus tour.
Flaming Moe's return to the skies.
Las Vegas casinos are now taking bets on how much time suspected game-fixer Tim Donaghy does and how many others go down with him. We advise like the line at two-and-a-half years and the under at six.
This completes the set-up. Cubs fans have now been thoroughly prepped for their next heartbreak. Just watch Lou and the Trib pull the ball away and make you all look like idiots again.
Barry Bonds is now two home runs away from breaking Hank Aaron's record. While the conventional wisdom says Bonds will manipulate the process so he can do the deed at home in San Francisco, it would be a very Bonds-like slap in Bud Selig's face to do it in Milwaukee this weekend. Meanwhile, the grand jury investigating Barry Bonds has been extended, but the court of public opinion has ruled.
Will they let this guy watch in the day room?
Some fine police work will be on display this weekend in downtown Chicago. The mayor, however, is urging Commissioner Gordon and his boys to loosen up and be more aggressive in their pursuit of villains and bar patrons. He reportedly has presented Batman and Robin with Bat-Tasers and drink coupons.
U.S. generals say more time is needed to succeed in Iraq. Like, about 150 years. Dick Cheney says that as president he will suspend the Constitution and give it to them.
Catch up with the week's Papers.
Posted on July 21, 2007