The Weekend Desk Report

Here are the stories that will haunt our dreams this weekend.

War Bonds
A new report released by the Congressional Research Service shows the cost of fighting a meandering war against an entrenched and determined enemy has risen dramatically in the last three decades, soaring 17 percent this year alone. The skyrocketing prices prompted President Bush to call for Americans to be less dependent on debt imported from unstable parts of the world. This weekend the search for alternative deficit sources closer to home begins in earnest.

Nuestro Himbo
On Friday, President Bush declared his opposition to a new Spanish-language version of America's national anthem, stating that immigrants to this country should endeavor to learn English despite there being no legal reason for them to do so. We anticipate the president will put his money where his mouth is any day now.

A Day Without Boycotts
During the same press conference, President Bush disapproved of Monday's planned Day Without Immigrants protest, saying he does not support boycotts. Apparently the philosophical differences between a planned public work stoppage and derelict absenteeism are too much for the president to reconcile, as it's well-established that he has no objection to the latter.

Bush League
With the top spot in Saturday's Shittiest Bush competition all wrapped up, the hottest question is how far will USC running back Reggie Bush fall after revelations of shady dealings with a prospective agent. As no reports have yet surfaced that Reggie went on sex romps in Thailand, used a brain-dead woman to score political points, talked shit about evacuees and dead soldiers, or put the "strip" in "strip mall," he may even drop out of the top five.

Willie or Won't He?
As the artlessly protracted Brett Favre saga ground to its inevitably dull conclusion this week, the BR Weekend Desk despaired of finding another utterly irrelevant and excruciatingly slow decision-making process to monitor. But we hold out great hopes that the mating dance of Britain's Prince William will slip the leaden mickey of boredom into the cocktail of our coverage for weeks to come. After all, if he's anything like his father this could take a while.

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