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The Weekend Desk Report

Market Update
Tension in the global markets eased this week as a long-held economic theory was once again proved correct: America can be counted on to under-perform in sectors Americans don't really care about. Domestic manufacturers, however, took heart in recently-released figures showing we can still out-perform Canada without even really trying.

When You Care Enough . . .
In further economic news, Hallmark announced this week plans to supplement its new, modern-themed Journeys line with a limited run of "Sorry I may have unwittingly infected you with drug-resistant TB" cards. Always sensitive to changing demands, the company is also considering adding "Sorry County Jail is a festering death-trap" and "Nice to see you out of quarantine" designs for fall.

The Soda Wars
Sudanese officials have found a creative way to hit back at proposed U.S. sanctions, threatening to unleash a campaign of wide-spread health on the American populace. While the US government initially played down the potential impact, the threat level was raised to Mountain Dew Code Red when Starbuck's shockingly took up the Sudanese cause. Department of Homeland Security officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, warn that without an immediate response all of the nation's potable fluids could be nutritious by the year 2009.

Talking the Talk
Meanwhile, President Bush has announced plans to safeguard the nation from meaningful environmental reform through the end of next year.

Walking the Walk
In marked contrast to the national government's chronic foot-dragging, Chicago took a major step in its plan to become America's greenest city this week by attempting to eliminate a major source of noise pollution. Unfortunately, the sheer number of high-profile blowhards in town makes light of current efforts.

It Does Love Company
And in other news, duh.


Posted on June 2, 2007

MUSIC - Holiday Hullabaloo.
POLITICS - Bank Profits Soaring.
SPORTS - Chicago vs. Michigan, 1903.

BOOKS - Dia De Los Muertos Stories.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Chicagoetry: West Town Blues.

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