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A discount-store employee is time-warped to a medieval castle, where he is the foretold savior who can dispel the evil there. Unfortunately, he screws up and releases an army of skeletons. (
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The Weekend Desk Report

For completists, there was no column on Friday.

"A woman doing landscaping on her suburban Chicago property unearthed the bones of a man who died 800 to 1,000 years ago," AP reports.

"The Lake County News-Sun reports that the woman was digging in Antioch Township near Fox Lake in September when she unearthed some bones. She called authorities when she found a jaw that looked human. The newspaper said the woman didn't want to be identified.

"Crime scene investigators, anthropologists and other experts secured the area and recovered 75 percent of the skeleton of a man of about 20 to 30 years old who died at least 800 years ago."


From the Lake County News-Sun:

"Then of course one starts thinking about the backstory," Dawn Cooper Illinois State Museum Research and Collection Center in Springfield said. "What was his life like? How did he live?"

I know Cavemen didn't work out so well, but I smell a script. Put him back together and make him a Fox Lake accountant mystified by our strange, modern ways.


In fact, the show could go both ways, flipping between his (or her) backstory and the resurrected dude (or dudette) in today's world, with narrative arcs that compare and contrast both worlds. This is actually a good idea.


Maybe the show is called Christopher J. Lauzen, CPA.


Speaking of state comptrollers, if Susana Mendoza wins the Chicago mayoralship, does JB Pritzker appoint Kurt Summers to replace her? Just a thought.

Horsey Slots
"Illinois gamblers could soon have another new way to place bets, with a proposal to allow wagering on 'historical' horse races passing another hurdle," the Tribune reports.

"The Illinois Racing Board on Thursday approved proposed rules that would allow betting on videos of past races at Illinois racetracks - though the board's own former attorneys said the move was not authorized by state law.

"This type of gambling exists in some other states and involves placing bets on races that have already taken place, though the bettor doesn't know the outcome of the race beforehand."


I'm confused. Couldn't a hardcore horseplayer remember some of those races? Do you get to consult a Daily Racing Form before making your bets? Are the odds still parimutuel?



My parents used to have parties when I was growing up where they would show old horse racing films for entertainment purposes only. Including gambling.

Army Training, Sir
"Data provided to IndyStar by the 3rd Recruiting Brigade - which covers Chicago, Cleveland, Columbus, Indianapolis, Great Lakes, Milwaukee, Minneapolis and Nashville - shows that since 2012, the brigade has not met its recruiting mission in those areas. Recently, the Army's 3rd Recruiting Brigade missed the mark by more than 3,000 in Fiscal Year 2018.

"Waning interest in the Midwest has contributed to disproportionate numbers in the country.

"The Army is becoming increasingly southern," [Col. Eric Lopez] said during an interview with IndyStar. "We're not getting the regional diversity that we want in the Army. We're (also) becoming more rural, so we're losing the urban centers of the Northeast and the Midwest, just like here in Indianapolis."

Well, how do college coaches do it?

Boob Inspector
"A federal judge has given a green light to a transgender performance artist's lawsuit challenging a Chicago ordinance prohibiting women but not men from exposing their breasts in certain public venues," AP reports.

"The Chicago Daily Law Bulletin reports the ruling rejects a city request to toss the suit. To prevail, Bea Sullivan-Knoff must still prove at a trial that the ordinance violates her constitutional rights and Illinois law."

The lawsuit was filed two years ago and targets the city's law that bans topless performances in venues that serve alcohol.

I've never understood that connection. The combination of bare female breasts and alcohol is just too much? You only get one or the other - or else it's anarchy!

A: Get A Therapist
"Q: I recently remarried, but I'm miserable. My husband drives me crazy, his ex-wife is psycho, and his children run the show. After three years and 11 months, my ex has realized the error of his ways and has been calling me. He tells me he's sorry that he ran off with 'that woman' and wants to get back together. I hate my life, I want to go back to my ex and I have absolutely no idea how to handle this. What's good ex-etiquette?"


New on the Beachwood . . .

SANTUARIO|SANCTUARY is a bilingual documentary theater piece exploring the migrations of monarch butterflies and youth crossing the USA-Mexico border.


The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #226: To The CodyCopterâ„¢!
Aka Cody Clang. Plus: Local TV Misses Worse Than Cody Parkey; Money League Baseball; We All Owe Bob Nightengale An Apology; Don't Rewrite History; Cutting Robbie Gould Was The Right Thing To Do; The Kris Bryant Trade Scenario Isn't Hard To Figure Out; Blackhawks Hunk Gets First Win; NHL In Chintzy Tentative Concussion Settlement: Not Our Fault; Fire Thibs; Wild ATS; and Sister Jean Is So Last Year.


Weekend ChicagoReddit

Rotten smell in the city right now? from r/chicago


Weekend ChicagoGram


Weekend ChicagoTube

VICE News Hired An Underwater Drone To Inspect Chicago's Trump Tower.


Weekend BeachBook

UIC Unions Demand End To Rauner-Era Union-Busting Tactics.


Weekend TweetWood
A sampling.





Must be slow, habitually late and totally break down in winter.




The Weekend McRibTipLine: Unbecoming.


Posted on November 17, 2018

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


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