The Weekend Desk Report

Happy holidays, everyone! Parts of our brains will be taking a break from reality this long weekend. The rest, we devote to you.

Market Update
Despite the brave face presented by industry insiders, analysts predict the surge in raw materials will result in increased pressure on the already strapped Cardiac Health index.

Teenaged Mutant Ninja Drivers
The start of next year's summer driving season looks set to be a whole lot safer as the Illinois House unanimously passed a bill designed to further isolate mentally fragile teens. Because everyone knows teens are much less dangerous all alone in broad daylight, and the best defense is always hysterical overreaction.

1-888-YOUR-CTA
The CTA has threatened to go nuclear unless the world at large ponies up $110 million for infrastructure improvements. Studies indicate that a full-scale military invasion of the agency would yield a funding bonanza rich enough to guarantee each rider their own personal conveyance.

Red or Dead
Simmer down, everyone. No need to panic over the latest blustery posturing from Asia. This time it looks like the revolution will be home-cooked and minty-fresh.

Gift Guide
Finally, for those who want to get a jump-start on their Father's Day shopping, we have found the perfect present: 30 years of sweet, sweet validation.