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The Weekend Desk Report

We'll look up from our brackets long enough this weekend to monitor the essential stories for you.

Party On!
Just in time for the awesomest holiday of the year, a group of gloomy scientists has once again pointed out that we're all going to fucking die of thirst soon if we don't shape up. Don't worry, though. The White House has promised to out all their spouses if they keep trying to crunch our collective buzz.

With Friends Like These . . .
The U.S. State Department has rejected a British coroner's finding that the friendly-fire killing of Lance Corporal Matty Hull in 2003 was "unlawful." stating that the officers responsible were merely duck hunting at the time. Indeed, officials note that ducks constitute a growing threat to long-term Iraqi stability, and have vowed to destroy as many as necessary to secure the peace.

Tangled Up and Blue
Despite a hard critique of the agency's long-term financial viability, the CTA has announced the critical next phase in its Blue Line improvement project. CTA President Frank Kruesi noted that while travel times on the trouble tracks remain comical, riders will now have the luxury of knowing exactly how late for their flights they will be.

Nobel Watch 2007
This week, we begin our attempt to handicap the Nobel Committee's annual prize selection. A clear front-runner has emerged in the field of medicine, as research now seems to indicate the presence of a female libido. Competition may yet come, however, from a separate group of investigators determined to isolate a causal link between substance abuse and shitloads of fame and money. We'll keep an eye on this fascinating race throughout the year.

Stamp Wars
Still stinging from revelations of slow service throughout Chicago, the United States Postal Service has put its requested rate hike to good use by announcing an innovative service upgrade plan. After all, the system has worked in the past with only minor delays, and can be used as an on-board navigation tool in a pinch.


Posted on March 17, 2007

MUSIC - Lyric Opera Strike Settled.
POLITICS - USA Today's Op-Ed Disaster.
SPORTS - SportsMonday: Come On, Vic!

BOOKS - Chicago Book Haul: The Dial.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Chicagoetry: West Town Blues.

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