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Army Of Darkness
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A discount-store employee is time-warped to a medieval castle, where he is the foretold savior who can dispel the evil there. Unfortunately, he screws up and releases an army of skeletons. (
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The Weekend Desk Report

Vortex Report
"Chicagoans will see a portion of their electricity bills rise in coming years because of new electric grid rules tied to the polar vortex, according to power auction results that were made public Friday," the Tribune reports.

Meanwhile, the financial crisis at CPS has now been tied to a bipolar vortex.

The universe, however, is not a vortex.

Therefore, bad governance is not universal.

Server Report
Michael Jordan Awarded $8.9 Million In Lawsuit Against Chicago Supermarket.

That means a $1.78 million tip for the jury.

Blago Report
"Lawyers for imprisoned ex-Governor Rod Blagojevich filed a motion on Friday asking a federal judge to hold off on resentencing until they learn whether the U.S. Supreme Court will take on his case," the Sun-Times reports.

Be careful, lawyers. Blago is a prime candidate for sentence-lengthening based on the "Just Being Annoying" and "Are You Still Around?" clauses of the revised Patriot Act. One more time-wasting appeal could mean indefinite detention.

Rauner Report
Governor Signs Gay Conversion Therapy Ban For Young People.

Old people, you're on your own.


Alternate: Replaced by charter school conversion therapy.


The Dyett Hunger Strikers Stand On Shoulders Of Forgotten Heroes
Let us not forget the Payton 16, the UNO 13 and the LAZ 40.

Michael Jordan Tipped 20%!
He's just like us!

Show Me A Hero: A Q&A With David Simon
"This is all predicated upon a 40-year history of American government at the federal, state and local level using public money to purposefully hyper-segregate our society. Poor people didn't end up all packed into housing projects in one square mile of Yonkers by accident. It was a plan. It was a plan in Chicago, in Baltimore, in Dallas and everywhere that took federal housing money since the 1930s."

The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour: Maddon For Mayor
The Super PAC starts here. Plus: Babe "Bam Bam" Schwarber, Ace Arrieta & Cogsy; The Chicago White Sox Did Something This Week; Chasing David Haugh; The Chicago Fire Did Something This Week; Vic Fangio Does Not Walk On Water; Two-Minute Mess; and The Erik Kramer Story Once Again Raises The Question: Should You Let Your Kids Play Football?


The Sound Opinions Weekend Listening Report: "Jim and Greg put on their white coats once again as the Rock Doctors attend to a patient in need of some musical treatment. This time they attempt to revive a woman bored by rock's recent formulaic trends."


* Fuck You Fancy Bar With Your Over-Priced Over-Constructed Drinks With Your Mustached Arm-Banded Bartenders.

* Mac Blackout Is The Local Rocker Putting Faces On Tree Stumps.

* What Kain Colter Really Learned At Northwestern.

* St. Louis To Refund Motorists For $5.6 Million In Red-Light Camera Tickets.

* For $1,900, Live In An 850-Foot Apartment Above The Double Door.

* McDonald's Signs Major Franchising Deal To Expand To Siberia.


The Weekend Desk Tip Line: Straight outta Beachwood.


Posted on August 22, 2015

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


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