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The Weekend Desk Report

Editor's Note: The Papers will not appear today because we've got to bail Santa out of jail. Just a little misunderstanding at Beachwood HQ. In the meantime, check in with our Home for the Holidays diary. Sadly, it's all true.

* Home for the Holidays: The Preamble
* Home for the Holidays: Day 1
* Home for the Holidays: Day 2
* Home for the Holidays: Day 3
* Home for the Holidays: Day 4 (Christmas Eve)
* Home for the Holidays: Day 5 (Christmas)

New entries will be posted throughout today and tomorrow, when the full Beachwood Reporter will roar (or crawl) back to life. And now back to our regularly scheduled Weekend Desk Report.

Make ours a virgin eggnog. We've got work to do.

Here at the Weekend Desk, we often hold Death responsible for robbing the world of the chance to call aging deposed tyrants to account for their crimes. However, when the world hasn't gotten around to deposing said tyrant, we're all for a swift backhand from the guy with the sickle. So this week, we issue an unconditional, "well done, Death!" It seems 66 years is exactly long enough for humanity to tolerate a vicious, delusional nutjob in power. Far be it from us to tell Death how to do his job, but we just thought we'd mention another special someone whose magic birthday is right around the corner.

Of course, the sudden death of Turkmenbashi has robbed the Fantasy Dictator League of its Eastern Division champion heading into the second round of playoffs. That whole side of the bracket was thrown into disarray. Now, little-known and moderately powerless 8th seed Pervez Musharraf advances to face the Pocket Rocket from the PRK. We expect 3rd seed Vladimir Putin has enough polonium-210 in his arsenal to take out the upstart 6th seed from Uzbekistan. So it looks like a mouth-watering Eastern final lies ahead.

All Rapped Up
By the way, for those of you looking to wager on the Western Conference finalist, we're still projecting somewhat delusional hip-hop mogul Kanye West as a comfortable winner, although our esteemed Beachwood Editor-in-Chief correctly points out the Chicago division may still hold some surprises.

Finally, we are sensitive to the needs of our readers at this busy time of the year. Holiday travel and the accompanying family interactions can be stressful and some of us would prefer to skip the festivities altogether. Fear not; the Beachwood Reporter Weekend Desk has compiled a fool-proof Christmas Avoidance Scheme that will produce an air-tight excuse for staying home. First, have your house raided by local authorities, uncovering a handful of unregistered weapons. Next, go out for a few drinks. Finally, convince a judge to confine you to your home and prohibit any out-of-state travel. No one can blame you for missing the Christmas ham this year!


Posted on December 25, 2006

MUSIC - Lyric Opera Strike An Old Story.
POLITICS - USA Today's Op-Ed Disaster.
SPORTS - Beachwood Sports Radio: Kanye, Chili, Jimmy, Tarik.

BOOKS - Conway Barbour & The Black Middle Class.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Recall! Malone's Pork Head Cheese.

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