Chicago - Dec. 19, 2014
Music TV Politics Sports Books People Places & Things
 
Must-See TV
Army Of Darkness
ElRey
5 p.m.
A discount-store employee is time-warped to a medieval castle, where he is the foretold savior who can dispel the evil there. Unfortunately, he screws up and releases an army of skeletons. (tvguide.com)
Weather Derby
Tribune: 51/37
Sun-Times: Ferro/McKinney
Weather Channel: 44/41
Ntl Weather Service: 54/43
BWM*: 82/12
Beachwood Bookmarks
K-Tel Classics
WKRP in Cincinnati
So You've Decided To Be Evil
St. Paul Saints
Nye's Polonaise Room
The Arcata Eye
Roadside USA
This Day In . . .
Onion History
Weird Al History
Baseball History
Beachwood History
History History
Spy Magazine History
#OnThisDate History
Chicago
Indicted!
Under Suspicion
Find Your Towed Car
Cable TV Complaints
Freedom of Information
The Expired Meter
The Mob & Friends
Stolen Bike Registry
O'Hare Music Tracker
Rats
Report Corruption (city)
Report Corruption (state)
Beyond
Scoundrels, State
Scoundrels, Federal
The Odds
Random Flight Tracker
Casting Calls
Cosmic Log
Buy Stamps
Beachwood Blogroll
A Handy List
Beachwood Ethics Statement
How We Roll
Today's Horoscope
Liberties will be taken.
Do We Sudoku?
No, but we do do moose stuff, and that can be anything you want it to be. Except Sudoku.
Losing Lottery Numbers
8, 25, 39
Daily Affirmation
I am open and receptive to new avenues of income. (louisehay.com)
Ellie
Knowing that a person may be unwittingly in danger of an assault imposes a moral duty to warn them.
Now Playing
Psychodrama/Marshall Law
Letters to the Editors
FAQ
About
Tip Line
"The Papers" archive
RSS
Beachwood Link Buttons
Media Kit/Advertising
 

The Weekend Desk Report

In honor of Dr. Seuss's 109th birthday, we proudly present a Weekend Desk current events tribute. Many thanks to Larry Peterson for editing assistance.

Uncle McFester's Magic Sequester
Uncle McFester is at it again,
Demanding we all meet his unctuous new friend
"Sequester" it's called, the name seems to slither
And cause our economy's new growth to wither -
Or possibly not, it depends who you ask
Since one man's closed loophole is another man's tax.

"It's not really so bad," you may well contend,
"And shouldn't we welcome our uncle's new friend?
We've been over his cliff and put stilts on his ceiling;
Why should his sequester be so unappealing?"
It won't be if you have plenty to eat,
And you're not GI Joe needing boots for your feet
And if you hire a taster to sample your food
And a teacher or trainer to tutor your brood.

In other words, if you're not hopelessly poor,
Hopelessly old, sick or fighting a war
(If I were putting a bet on this thrilling event,
I'd say your odds were about one percent).
Understanding the impact of the cuts would require
Uncle McFester's World's Best Multi-plier,
And since no one's ever deciphered this tool
We'll have to abide by Wall Street's golden rule:
If the fat that we trim wasn't making us fatter,
Then it, much like you, just doesn't matter.

Your next perfect question is, "Why are we here?
Didn't we deal with this only last year?"
"Not going to happen," the president chided.
Turns out at that time, the president lieded.
It's imperative that one sound brave and undaunted
Before any votes have been cast or counted.

And so both the parties pretended to barter
While hitting their talking points harder and harder
And making no plans for which programs to sink
Since both sides were hoping the other side blinked.
So focused were they on the bluffing and holding
They easily fluffed themselves right out of folding.

"Who is this Uncle McFester?" you query.
Why, he is the ominous, awful and dreary,
Fearsome and toothsome and stinky and wet
And odious specter of our sovereign debt -
Or was it our deficit? Who can recall?
Whatever it is it'll sure kill us all
With mountainous mountains of unrepaid loan,
My toddler owes more than the worth of her home
And chances are that she'll owe more tomorrow
Not that the banks would approve her to borrow.

Whoever this Uncle McFester may be
He scares the bejesus from the Party of Tea
Which in turn makes John Boehner's life such a clunker
He looks like a Dr. Seuss Grinch, only drunker.
So high are the anti-McFester defenses
The Republican Party took leave of its senses,
Rejecting the counsel of everyone near
Who warned the sequester's a real bad idea.
For what good is logic if what it reveals
Contradicts the world view that to you most appeals?
Those experts and pundits can be such a bother
Insisting it's fact that the world's getting hotter.

The good news is that it won't be very long
Before Uncle McFester is shuffled along
As Congress digs in for the next big debate,
Secure in the knowledge that they'll still be paid
Until the wheels of government wind down their pace
And, possibly, maybe, they're flung into space.

For you and for me, this is all academic
We can safely sleep through this stale old polemic
Sequester, Requester, our ship is still sinking
Because you and I live in the great Land of Lincoln.

-

The Weekend Desk Tip Line: It's not a pester.



Permalink

Posted on March 2, 2013


MUSIC - The Week In Chicago Rock.
TV - The Miracle Of Congressukah.
POLITICS - Obama Issues Rare Pardon To Former Chicago Merc Trader.
SPORTS - Bowl Preview Pt. 1: Cheap Trick, Gold Toes & Loaded Potatoes.

BOOKS - The Picture Of Women's Health.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Beachwood Photo Booth: Mailbox Message.


Search The Beachwood Reporter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter
Email:

Follow BeachwoodReport on Twitter


Beachwood Radio!