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The Weekend Desk Report

In honor of Dr. Seuss's 109th birthday, we proudly present a Weekend Desk current events tribute. Many thanks to Larry Peterson for editing assistance.

Uncle McFester's Magic Sequester
Uncle McFester is at it again,
Demanding we all meet his unctuous new friend
"Sequester" it's called, the name seems to slither
And cause our economy's new growth to wither -
Or possibly not, it depends who you ask
Since one man's closed loophole is another man's tax.

"It's not really so bad," you may well contend,
"And shouldn't we welcome our uncle's new friend?
We've been over his cliff and put stilts on his ceiling;
Why should his sequester be so unappealing?"
It won't be if you have plenty to eat,
And you're not GI Joe needing boots for your feet
And if you hire a taster to sample your food
And a teacher or trainer to tutor your brood.

In other words, if you're not hopelessly poor,
Hopelessly old, sick or fighting a war
(If I were putting a bet on this thrilling event,
I'd say your odds were about one percent).
Understanding the impact of the cuts would require
Uncle McFester's World's Best Multi-plier,
And since no one's ever deciphered this tool
We'll have to abide by Wall Street's golden rule:
If the fat that we trim wasn't making us fatter,
Then it, much like you, just doesn't matter.

Your next perfect question is, "Why are we here?
Didn't we deal with this only last year?"
"Not going to happen," the president chided.
Turns out at that time, the president lieded.
It's imperative that one sound brave and undaunted
Before any votes have been cast or counted.

And so both the parties pretended to barter
While hitting their talking points harder and harder
And making no plans for which programs to sink
Since both sides were hoping the other side blinked.
So focused were they on the bluffing and holding
They easily fluffed themselves right out of folding.

"Who is this Uncle McFester?" you query.
Why, he is the ominous, awful and dreary,
Fearsome and toothsome and stinky and wet
And odious specter of our sovereign debt -
Or was it our deficit? Who can recall?
Whatever it is it'll sure kill us all
With mountainous mountains of unrepaid loan,
My toddler owes more than the worth of her home
And chances are that she'll owe more tomorrow
Not that the banks would approve her to borrow.

Whoever this Uncle McFester may be
He scares the bejesus from the Party of Tea
Which in turn makes John Boehner's life such a clunker
He looks like a Dr. Seuss Grinch, only drunker.
So high are the anti-McFester defenses
The Republican Party took leave of its senses,
Rejecting the counsel of everyone near
Who warned the sequester's a real bad idea.
For what good is logic if what it reveals
Contradicts the world view that to you most appeals?
Those experts and pundits can be such a bother
Insisting it's fact that the world's getting hotter.

The good news is that it won't be very long
Before Uncle McFester is shuffled along
As Congress digs in for the next big debate,
Secure in the knowledge that they'll still be paid
Until the wheels of government wind down their pace
And, possibly, maybe, they're flung into space.

For you and for me, this is all academic
We can safely sleep through this stale old polemic
Sequester, Requester, our ship is still sinking
Because you and I live in the great Land of Lincoln.


The Weekend Desk Tip Line: It's not a pester.


Posted on March 2, 2013

MUSIC - The Week In Chicago Rock.
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