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The Weekend Desk Report

When Americans went to the polls last month, they signaled their frustration with President Bush's bungled attempts to reign in the Axis of Evil. It seems the administration is listening, focusing now on another breed of rogue state. This week, we examine America's plan to confront this new Triumvirate of Terror.

Axis of Shevil, Part 1
Despite copious amounts of evidence, President Bush this week maintained that he does not believe Lindsey Lohan has slumped into civil war. In the coming months, we expect him to maintain the official stance that everything is perfectly fine, and that just because someone keeps hanging out with the neighborhood dealer does not mean they have a substance abuse problem.

Axis of Shevil, Part 2
Meanwhile, Britney Spears continues to threaten global security, showing the world once again that she has weapons of mass destruction and is not afraid to use them. It appears despite a major rift in the coalition, Presdient Bush still holds out hope that six-partying talks will reign in the reckless starlet.

Axis of Shevil, Part 3
Throughout all of this turbulence, the president has steadfastly refused to acknowledge the skanky blond gorilla in the room, saying under no circumstances would the United States reach out to Paris Hilton for assistance in managing the Lohan crisis. However, we suspect a report due out next week will suggest the administration has little choice but to approach the hotel heiress, whose constant, cloying attempts to win the hearts and minds of the American public seem to signal a willingness to help. Given the history ofantagonism between the two, we don't expect Bush to embrace the group's recommendations.


Posted on December 2, 2006

MUSIC - Who's Next In Chicago Rap.
TV - Tribune-Nexstar Deal Is Bad News.
POLITICS - Big Soda Hates You.
SPORTS - Harold vs. the Haters.

BOOKS - Wright Brothers, Wrong Story!

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Go Ahead, Eat Raw Cookie Dough!

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