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The Weekend Desk Report

Now that the Revolution of 2006 is complete, we turn our attention to the races and faces that will shape our world in the next ten years. Here are our official predictions.

Cartoon Cabinet Villain '06: Various Candidates
With Don Rumsfeld falling on his sword in spectacular fashion, the Bush administration has lost its most blatant gruff-voiced cartoon villain. Front-runners to replace Rumsfeld's hand-rubbing nastiness include the following unsavory characters:

Robert Gates as Wile E. Coyote
Dick Cheney as Snidely Whiplash
Karl Rove as The Penguin
Michael Chertoff as Lex Luthor

This race is tough to handicap, as each distinguished candidate comes with a lengthy list of dubious achievements in villainy. However, we project that Cheney's star is waning as a result of his close ties to Rumsfeld. A botched mid-term election campaign seems to have knocked some of the wind out of Rove's sails as well. In a tight contest, we expect Gates to pick up right where his predecessor left off.

Implosion '07: Bush vs. Stroger
Faced with the harsh reality of a Congress that really, really doesn't like him at all, President Bush stumbled through his concession press conference on Wednesday like a blind squirrel that's already found its one nut. Stroger, meanwhile, will be hard-pressed to exacerbate the miserable state of affairs he's inherited, although early indications show remarkable creativity in the key incompetence area of indifference. Still, his ambivalance will no doubt be dwarfed by that of his constituents and the local media, while Bush looks set to get the bumpier ride. It'll be a squeaker, but you can't spell "breakdown" without a "W".

White House '08: Who Cares vs. Whatever
Seriously, the mainstream media will try to dress this up as some great battle for the American soul, but who are they kidding? Early front-runners indicate this could be the dullest presidential race since, well, the last one. John McCain has the coma-inducing sincerity of a hypnotherapist. Bill Frist constantly disappoints with his inability to embrace the role of scheming evil genius. Hillary? Yeah, she could bore paint off a wall. And, sadly, even the bombastic Alan Keyes barely raised Barack Obama's pulse above blandly likeable nice guy. Still, despite a host of charisma-free candidates, voter turnout has picked up over the last two elections. Obviously, somebody does care. With party foot soldiers poised to rally their base, expect Whatever to take this one in a landslide.

Olympics '16: Chicago vs. Los Angeles
And then there were two. The early advantage would seem to go to L.A. They've done this before, and their public transit system, while underused, hasn't tried to kill itself recently. However, if head-to-head history is any indication, Chicago will simply buy L.A. and offer a two-site Olympics with a cross-platform participation model. This will eventually piss L.A. off, causing that city to launch a buy-out bid of its own. Chicago, realizing it overpaid in the first place, will entertain the thought of selling a few assets, although losing the most desirable one would leave the city ill-suited to host the Games in the first place. Even if Chicago does eventually pull out the win, we doubt the event will bring any of the value organizers have promised.


Posted on November 11, 2006

MUSIC - Christgau Loves Chicago Neonatologist.
TV - Amazon & The Way Of The World.
POLITICS - The Political Odds.
SPORTS - Another Week Of Trubisky Analysis.

BOOKS - Writers Under Surveillance.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Original Warrior.

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