The Weekend Desk Report
We've been wracking our brains trying to figure out the hidden meaning of all the recent CTA misfortunes. After all, it can't simply be because the transit organization is plagued with aging equipment and financial mismanagement, right? Then last Sunday, it finally hit us. The CTA and its color-coded train lines of woe comprise the greatest predictive tool for picking against the NFL spread. Just follow the dominant jersey colors and match them up with the latest commuter nightmare. What else would've predicted red-clad Arizona's shocking loss to Oakland? Cracked rail, anyone?
Based on this new system, we are prepared to make the following bold predictions for this week's games.
49ers at Bears (Bears -16.5)
That's an awful lot of points to cover, and if the Bears were wearing their traditional blue jerseys we'd probably bite on it. But with the orange alternate third jersey? Take the Bears to win, but not by 17.
Falcons at Bengals (Bengals -4.5)
Both in orange, both screwed. It's a push.
Seahawks at Chiefs (Chiefs -6)
Sure the Seahawks are missing Hasselbeck and Alexander, but any team in red is going to be down at least one player for the duration of the season. Early reports point toward quarterback Damon Huard. Look for Seattle to cover and possibly pull off the upset.
Texans at Titans (Titans -3)
See above. The Texans' red uniforms will doom them to failure.
Cardinals at Packers (Packers -3.5)
We've been through the woes of the red teams already, but Green Bay is going to be pounded coming and going. The Cardinals will pull off the outright win.
Buccaneers at Giants (Giants -9)
Good luck heading north on the Red Line this weekend. Or south, for that matter. Take the Giants for the big win.
Jaguars at Eagles (Eagles -6)
We're not really sure where teal fits in on the CTA misery roll, but we do know green can't catch a break this week. Take the Jags to cover.
Ravens at Saints (Saints -2)
Once again, we're not really sure about black and gold, although maybe the latter is close enough to the yellow of the uncharacteristically functional Skokie Swift. Take the Saints.
Rams at Chargers (Chargers -9)
Both teams are in blue, which doesn't bode well for public health. The lighter blue of the Chargers' jerseys might give them an edge.
Steelers at Raiders (Raiders +9)
There's really no data on the Raiders with their silver and black attack, but who are we kidding? They suck. Besides, there's an awful lot of yellow on those Steelers jerseys.
Colts at Broncos (Broncos -2.5)
Unfortunately for Denver, those ill-advised orange swooshes on their pants will finally bite them in the ass. Take the Colts.
Jets at Browns (Browns -2)
We've already documented the struggles of the Green Line, but let's face it - the Brown Line might never run properly again. Jets to cover.
Cowboys at Carolina (Carolina -5.5)
Eh, pick one. Too bad neither team is man enough to wear pink, that might just give them an edge.
Patriots at Vikings (Vikings +2)
The Blue and Red lines certainly aren't having a banner week, but with a crumbling viaduct set to undermine Purple Line service all weekend, it's looking like the Pats will win big.
Posted on October 27, 2006