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The Weekend Desk Report

Spoiler Alert! If you don't want to know how today's most troubling news stories end, stop reading now and pick up your daily newspaper instead.

Bond Market
We here at the Weekend Desk have long sought a foolproof way to predict the outcome of ongoing international events. At long last, we believe we've found the bellwether of global crises: the James Bond film franchise. Bombing the crap out of a fiendish underworld enterprise based in Afghanistan? Check. Blaming vast media empires for the troubles of the world? Check. Exposing North Korean nuclear ambitions? Covered. So as we ponder the ultimate resolution of the War on Terror, we turn for guidance to the 21st entry in this illustrious cinematic tradition, Casino Royale, wherein we learn that the fate of the world rests with a few hands of Texas Hold 'Em. If this is going to involve the key poker skills of bluffing and knowing when to fold, we are totally fucked.

Infiltration Pool
This week's hot bet is who will bullshit their way into Dennis Hastert's house next. Based on a late flurry of activity, we're offering the following odds:

Kim Jong-Il peddling Amway, even
Osama bin Laden looking for wrestling tips, 5-1
WMDs, 15-1
Bill Clinton for a friendly chat, 35-1

We could've told you that in the struggle between Man and Beast, Beast has kicked ass this year, already taking out some of Man's top contenders. The battle of Man and Bird has traditionally been harder to predict. However, in the specific realm of baseball, we're taking Man.

Pinstriped Revenge
We knew George Steinbrenner was pissed, but damn. A friendly word of advice for Gary Sheffield, Robinson Cano and Jaret Wright: take a train.

Geek Chic
We never thought we'd say it, but we are so totally trying out for marching band, dudes.

For more Geek Chic, catch up on what you've missed in the news this week in The Papers archive, conveniently including our stellar collection of Weekend Desk Reports.


Posted on October 14, 2006

MUSIC - Lyric Opera Strike An Old Story.
POLITICS - USA Today's Op-Ed Disaster.
SPORTS - Beachwood Sports Radio: Kanye, Chili, Jimmy, Tarik.

BOOKS - Conway Barbour & The Black Middle Class.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Recall! Malone's Pork Head Cheese.

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