The Weekend Desk Report

Translated from Natasha Julius's desperate text messages from a cave somewhere in the bowels of Roscoe Village, where technical difficulties severed her internet connection.

Alternate Route
My train home from work on Thursday got delayed 20 minutes by President Obama's motorcade, preventing me from breastfeeding my daughter. Take that, Michelle Bachmann!

Grading On A Curve
The CTA is stress-testing two electric buses to see if they are reliable enough. If they are, the total number of reliable CTA buses will be two.

Royal Flush
The parliament of the United Kingdom has realized its succession laws are discriminatory because sons trump daughters, making princesses just as screwed as 99.9 percent of the rest of the population.

Too Soon?
Just as Charlie Sheen replaced Michael J. Fox on Spin City, the Beachwood's Hollywood bureau hears Sheen could be in line for a new installment of Back to the Future. China is already preparing.

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Then again, we've got nothing to brag about when it comes to regulating television.

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What do Charlie Sheen and Michael J. Fox have in common? They've both got the shakes.

Blago 2
Speaking of sequels, Rod Blagojevich will reprise his role next week as the world's most tortured victim of a grand conspiracy to send innocent perpetrators of routine children's hospital shakedowns to prison in the courtroom drama Then They Came For Me.

Blago had threatened to back out of the project but could not get out of his contract.

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The idiotic public will reprise their role as the idiotic public.

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The Weekend Desk Tip Line: Cave-proof.

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