The Weekend Desk Report

Sure, there's a million crazy stories out there this week, but we want to focus on what's really important. That's right, baby: Football is back! Here are a few of the official Beachwood Reporter Weekend Desk NFL season predictions.

1. We know they're both going to retire, but the smart money says Tony Blair will pack it in well before Brett Favre, and with a lot less sturm und drang.

2. Bill Parcells has confirmed that, for the time being, kicker Mike Vanderjagt is no longer a useful contributor to the cause. Vanderjagt will now be transferred to Guantanamo Bay.

3. Despite increasingly bitter negotiations with one of their key players, the Patriots will live to fight another day. However, their offensive scheme to link all their opponents to terrorism will eventually crumble.

4. Undeterred by the NFL's crackdown on touchdown celebrations, Chad Johnson will continue his plans to develop his own domestic nuclear energy program for use in future end zone romps.

5. In an attempt to keep up with the times, the NFL has announced several changes to team nicknames. The Buffalo Bills will now be referred to as the Buffalo Home-Equity Loans. The Oakland Raiders will become the Oakland Price Gougers. Washington fans can now cheer the slightly more politically correct Red Faces while fans in Tennessee, with their tantalizing and expensive unexplored prospects, can go back to supporting the Oilers.

6. Rex Grossman will re-injure his knee tripping over Brian Griese's dog. Griese will spare the dog further embarrassment when re-injuring his knee by just admitting he got drunk and fell over.

7. Dissatisfied with his already impressive list of commercial endorsements, Peyton Manning will sign on to shit-talk Fidel Castro.

8. Hoping to avoid the catastrophe that befell them last time they broadcast the Super Bowl, CBS officials announced they would ban Joe Cullen should the Detroit Lions make it to the championship game.

9. Of course, if the Lions make it to the Super Bowl, we'll have more pressing matters on our hands.

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