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The Weekend Desk Report

Special Updates Edition
The Weekend Desk is taking a couple of days off to observe the federally-mandated death throes of summer. To help you pass the time this long weekend, we present timely updates on our major stories - and fantasy leagues - from the past six months. The Weekend Desk will resume normal publication next, um, weekend. The Papers will return Tuesday.

World Walletball Championships
We haven't been paying much attention to the World Basketball Championships, but given the recent history of such events, is anyone surprised to see the Euro once again beating up on the rest of the world?

Bittersweet Symphony
Beleaguered U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice suffered another high-profile setback in her global credibility when German Chancellor Angela Merkel replaced her atop a list of the world's most powerful women. Not only does Merkel hold an elected office and preside over the third-largest economy on the planet, she also has new diplomatic credentials to fall back on.

Long-time fantasy sports players will tell you that the hardest thing to predict is the break-out player - that guy who comes out of nowhere to post career numbers that far outpace any and all forecasts. If you've been savvy enough to draft that player, you're in for an exhilarating ride. If you missed the boat, you can only sit back and rue the missed opportunity. Well, it seems that in The Beachwood Reporter Fantasy Fascist Dictator League we have such a performer. In fact, per Donald Rumsfeld, we have tens of millions of them. That's right, if you drafted the vast majority of the American public, our hats are off to you. Your team is now on pace to demolish established high performers such as the Chinese Communist Party and Rummy's boss.

When Good Theories Turn Bad
Apparently enraged by continued challenges to its conclusive victory in this year's Theory Races, Global Warming has decided to take on humanity in a head-to-head battle royale. While insiders continue to back traditional global power Mankind for the moment, there are some concerns that our training regimen could lead to a species upset to rival Evolution's historic thrashing of the Neanderthals 30,000 years ago.

And In Other News . . .
. . . Uh, ditto.


Posted on September 1, 2006

MUSIC - Holiday Hullabaloo.
POLITICS - Bank Profits Soaring.
SPORTS - Chicago vs. Michigan, 1903.

BOOKS - Dia De Los Muertos Stories.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Chicagoetry: West Town Blues.

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