The Weekend Desk Report

We're not going to let the latest wave of flying nincompoops stop us from following the key stories this weekend.

Market Update
Despite heavy trading this week, gains in both gross understatements and baffling over-confidence canceled each other out, resulting in little actual progress.

And Then There Were Eight...
Illinois astronomy buffs were dealt a blow this week as Streator native Clyde Tombaugh's discovery, Pluto, was controversially stripped of its planetary status by an international committee. However, state officials remained upbeat, saying the new guidelines requiring such an object to have "sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces" and have "cleared the neighborhood around its orbit" indicate Oswego's own Dennis Hastert might qualify as the solar system's new ninth planet.

Liver and Let Die
Chicago's City Council this week rightly condemned the practice of force-feeding a bunch of empty calories to poor creatures in order to make them fat, sick and miserable. Of course, until they do something more substantive than banning foie gras, they're likely to remain a laughingstock.

Divine Interventions
Of course, if we weren't meant to eat foie gras, someone would've spotted the Virgin Mary in a lump of it by now.

Hermit Kingdom Update
Citing a pattern of bizarre behavior rather than recent financial embarrassments, an international powerhouse has decided to end its warm relationship with one of its troubled stars. And in other news, ditto.

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