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The Weekend Desk Report

Um, we're maybe not the best guides for this weekend's biggest stories. Apparently, we missed out on a significant chunk of contemporary American culture. We'll do our best for you.

Market Update
Growth on the Celebrity Gossip exchange slowed dramatically this quarter as analysts projected the market is dramatically over-developed.

Global warming activists this week completed their attempt to sail the world in a raft made of recycled plastic bottles. The successful voyage of the Plastiki will no doubt bolster the hopes of former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, who is bidding to become the first in modern times to sail completely on a raft made of recycled lies.

Reduce, Reuse
Meanwhile, U.S. District Judge James Zagel has denied the jury's request for a full transcript of witness testimony. Analysts confidently predict the request means lengthy deliberations. After all, with things the way they are on the outside, jurors might have good reason to examine the evidence extra carefully.

Holy Carp
In other environmental disaster news this week, Mayor Daley has weighed in definitively: A knife to the heart is way worse than a bullet in the head.

Meals on Wheels
Finally this week, 32nd Ward Alderman Scott Waguespack has proposed adding mobile dining options to the city's crowded streets. City council is said to favor allocating around $184 million of budget deficit to the project, with most of the shortfall being used to tell people where their meal isn't.


Weekend Desk Tip Line: Festive.


Posted on July 31, 2010

MUSIC - Millions Of New Guitar Players.
TV - "One America News" is AT&T.
POLITICS - When Wall Street Came To My Mobile Home Park.
SPORTS - Tonyball, Bears On The Run, Eyes On The Sky & More!

BOOKS - China Holding Swedish Publisher.


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