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The Weekend Desk Report

Memorial Day Barbecue Guide
It's looking like a glorious holiday weekend, so the Beachwood Reporter Celebratory Barbecue Unit has prepared its annual guide to making the most of the extra day off. Here are some suggestions to get your first backyard party of the season going in full gear.

1. Invite everyone. You know they'll be there anyway, so why not make it official? Sure, you might wind up blowing your budget, but at least it won't all go to inflated lapels, eh Nancy?

2. Marinate your seafood in impotent rage. The world's foremost barbecue chefs have known for years the best way to cover a little excess oil is with tons and tons of bitterness. If that doesn't work, try some mud.

3. Roast your own ass. After waiting more than a month, people will be starving for it.

4. Stop playing games. You're at the adults' table now, Sam. And the less said about your involvement at the kiddie table the better.

5. Take lots of pictures. Or maybe don't? Or maybe stop taking them in three years? Or maybe something?

6. Limit the booze. It might seem un-American, but too much beer and whiskey makes everyone think they're funnier than they are.

7. Knock yourself out. It's a great way to get everyone to forget what a total fucking tool you've been in the past.


The Weekend Desk Tip Line: Knock yourself out.


Posted on May 29, 2010

MUSIC - #MuteRKelly.
TV - NBC Reporter's Kiss-Off.
POLITICS - IL Could Recover $1.3B In Corporate Tax Loopholes.
SPORTS - The Ex-Cub Factor.

BOOKS - Myopic 2000.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Mailbox Fishing.

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