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The Weekend Desk Report

* Sunday Updates below.

Forecasters predict Spring 2010 will see a sudden, sharp correction. Because, let's face it, we were all getting a little overheated.

Market Update
The bad economic news continues to trickle out as reports indicate retail sales in Chicagoland slumped to a 25-year low in 2009. Analysts skeptical of recovery are quick to point out it'll take more than fancy seasonal promotions to get consumers to buy the same old crap.

The Sexfast Club
In another worrying sign, Illinois' budget deficit has reached such depths Springfield lawmakers were forced this week to formally admit they cannot possibly afford to imprison every horny teenager in the state. They're not even sure they can educate or entertain them anymore. In fact, it appears an entire generation of American horny teens faces crushing emotional bankruptcy in the coming weeks.

Texts of Endearment
For all those horny adults, be forewarned - your naughty ass is still on the line for now.

Left Behind
Just so we're clear, the first month after The Rapture is when we all seek higher ground. In the second month, we're cast back to earth and left to rot in our own filth. And in the third month, we'll really start selling our souls.

Moving Forward
Finally this week, ardent Cubs fans are up in arms at the proposed addition of a neon red Toyota sign to the backfield bleachers of Wrigley Field. Analysts in general have agreed, pointing out that with the sponsor's propensity for inconsistent performance and periodic ill-timed collapses, the sign would look much better in front of the Blackhawks' goal.

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SUNDAY UPDATES:
* The [Health Care Vote] Papers
* Beachwood Brackets '10!

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The Weekend Desk Tip Line: Collapsible.



Permalink

Posted on March 20, 2010


MUSIC - Roger Waters In Chicago.
TV - 24 Hours With Velocity.
POLITICS - Chicago's Unwelcoming Ordinance.
SPORTS - TrackNotes: Lazy Hazy Crazy Dog Days.

BOOKS - The Origins Of Environmental Bullshit.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Beachwood Photo Booth: Chicago Daisies.


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