The Weekend Desk Report

Braving the bacteria-filled cesspools of society to bring you the news that matters most.

Market Update
The markets were rattled this week by reports that new job creation slowed in July. However, analysts remained upbeat and urged investors to consider that while times may be tough for teachers, surgeons and weasily PR flacks, the economy has shown signs of spectacular growth in the vital field of talentless camera-whoring.

Condi-scending Attitude
After failing to impress with Brahms, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice this week revealed her surprising belief that the best way to stop the fighting in the Middle East might just involve a ceasefire. Aides have hinted that this weekend might see Secretary Rice publicly support the notion that oxygen is best inhaled by contracting the diaphragm. No word yet how she feels about the role of the earth's rotation in producing sunsets.

Democratic Up-Rice-ing
This week also saw Secretary Rice offer U.S. support should anyone in Cuba decide now might be a good time to overthrow their government. Given the sort of long-term peace and security such involvement generally guarantees, we're surprised they're not out in the streets of Havana already.

Meltdown Explained
Finally, eager to head-off criticism following his contentious arrest for drunk driving, Mel Gibson issued a statement saying his anti-Semitic words did not reflect his true beliefs. With concrete evidence of his offense sure to emerge, we expect Gibson to issue further statements that he was dehydrated at the time and that a massage therapist rubbed anti-Semitic cream on his legs just before his fateful wild ride.

© 2006 - 2012, The Beachwood Media Company