The Weekend Desk Report

By Natasha Julius

The Weekend Desk is signing off for 2009 as next week marks the annual Feast of the Blessed Retail Relics. Today we take a look at the stories that might catch our wary eye in the New Year.

The Bachelympic Games
As Vancouver basks in the gleaming white glow of next year's televised pageant, perhaps Chicago mayor Richard Daley will finally realize that pathetically flaunting yourself in an attempt to beat other desperate cities is hardly the way to earn the world's respect. Besides, if his agent can get him on Dancing with the Stars he might just wind up America's Sweetheart.

Change We Can Believe In
We were going to say President Obama will continue to water down his major policy objectives in the hope they won't be sunk outright. Suddenly, though, that joke's not funny.

Just Can't Copenhagen
In related news, we're guessing the Commander in Chief sticks to Oslo from now on.

Daley Delay
Continuing its new policy of timely public service, the City of Chicago will announce free smallpox vaccinations for all residents. Also, all side streets will be plowed and potholes patched by June 2011 at the absolute latest.

Lohan Ebb
Finally, we can confidently predict that, despite vocal world criticism and mounting collateral damage, the unquestionably honorable goal will remain frustratingly difficult to achieve.

-

The Weekend Desk Tip Line: Operators standing by.

© 2006 - 2012, The Beachwood Media Company