The Weekend Desk Report

By Natasha Julius

We're pressing ahead despite recent setbacks that aren't actually setbacks so much as inconveniences and the seeds of possible future conspiracy theories because, dammit, this story needs to be told!

Market Update
Turns out the Civilized World's plan to consolidate all its debt was just about as stupid as everyone else's.

Haut Cuisine
Move over Turbot fish; take seat, blue fin tuna. The new most exclusive fish in the world is, apparently, the Asian carp at $3 million a pop.

Rise of the Cobra
Eager to prove his war policy is markedly different from certain other peoples' war policies, President Barack Obama this week announced that major military offensives in Afghanistan will be much more awesomely named. "America, we have endured Operation Iraqi Freedom for too many years," the Commander in Chief said. "We can do better." With that, he authorized the launch of the significantly more bad-assed Operation Cobra's Anger.

Details of the strategy remain unclear, however Operation Cobra's Anger seems to involve both British and American assets and is predicted to be "totally massive."

Surge of the Cobra
Although President Obama has yet to announce the operating name of the 33,000 troop surge in Afghanistan, analysts say he has so far ruled out the following:

• Troop Surge: The Empire Strikes Back


• The Wrath of Khan


• Troop Surge 2: Electric Boogaloo

Get out of Jail Card
Finally this week, the list of reasons not to serve time for sex crimes continues to grow. Experts say being too fat is now second only to being too famous.