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The Weekend Desk Report

By The Weekend Desk B Team

Natasha Julius will return from her top secret assignment next week.

Depressing Demotion
Tropical storm Daniel's bid for hurricane status backfired as he was demoted to a depression and renamed Danny. His father has threatened to demote him to Denny's if he continues to underperform.

Apple says it is not to blame for exploding iPhones, but could not explain why it approved a Suicide Bomber app nor commercials in Mosual saying "Wanna blow up an American soldier? There's an app for that."

Bradley Tank
Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry says an exploding Milton Bradley is not his help, but could not explain his signature on Bradley's contract nor his idea currently being considered by Apple for an iBradley app that would come with the tagline: "Want a douchebag playing right field for you? There's an app for that."

Apple Polishing
Apple denied conspiracy theories suggesting its new deal to sell iPhones in China was part of a plot to destabilize the nation, despite simultaneously approving the Office Space app, which not only shaves off pennies from unwitting bank accounts and deposits them into your account, but converts foreign debt in countries whose names start with "C" into equity in the Sun-Times Media Group.

Police are denying reports that all 50 aldermen are suspects in this caper.

Usual Suspects
Though they too lack brains, the aldermen have been removed from the pool of folks suspected of being the Scarecrow Bandit, now that a suburban man has been arrested. The aldermen are still among the pool of folks suspected to be the Cowardly Lion Bandit.


The Weekend Desk Tip Line: Bandit-y.


Posted on August 29, 2009

MUSIC - Lyric Opera Strike Settled.
POLITICS - USA Today's Op-Ed Disaster.
SPORTS - SportsMonday: Come On, Vic!

BOOKS - Chicago Book Haul: The Dial.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Chicagoetry: West Town Blues.

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