The Weekend Desk Report

Don't worry about us during this weekend's dangerous heat warnings; we promise to avoid any strenuous activities, take frequent breaks, and of course, drink lots of fluid.

Market Update
All Civil Liberties markets ceased trading this week, due to strong suggestions that the end of the world was at hand.

Coming Attractions
American media moguls were caught off guard by the unexpectedly lengthy run of 2003's international smash, The Fast and The Spurious, and they swiftly green-lighted the hotly-anticipated sequel, 2 Fast 2 Nuclear. But now the staying power of the franchise is being tested as The Fast and the Spurious 3: Pyongyang Drift goes head-to-head with the latest installment of the hugely-successful MidEast: Impossible series. We predict that, despite losing two of its biggest stars, M:I10 will dominate the global box office this weekend.

The Forgotten Child
So when a long-range ballistic missile test fizzles, what can a half-crazed reclusive dictator do to get the world's attention? We recommend Kim Jong-il take a little hunting trip. Then he can really start pissing off friends and neighbors.

No Extra Time
President Bush this week tersely urged Iran to respond to international proposals, saying it would be a shame to see the whole thing come down to penalty kicks. Bush also hinted that, should Iran continue to hurl insults at our international friends, he would have no regrets taking actions into his own hands.

Voice Control
Finally this week, President Bush took time at the start of the G8 summit in Russia to urge his fellow leaders to speak with one voice on issues of global security. To the dismay of some and the amusement of others, he further recommended the single voice be his.

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