The Weekend Desk Report

Don't worry if this Report doesn't tickle your fancy; they're working on a pill for that.

Market Update
False Optimism took a major pounding this week. Not that Stark Realism has seen much of a rally either.

Rolling Stock
Chicagoland's Regional Transit Authority this week warned that another Doomsday is looming just around the corner. CTA officials later clarified exactly whose doom could be expected.

Roland Stock
With the congressional trading deadline looming right around the corner, Governor Pat Quinn is urging rookie sensation Roland Burris to waive his no-trade clause. Sources close to the governor say he hopes to ship the troubled back-bencher out for a senator to be named later and absolutely no cash whatsoever.

Rolling Shock
Meanwhile, State Department GM Hillary Clinton noted she has been told to jettison all non-essential resources ahead of the international chatter trading deadline. "Ordinarily, I'd be a bit more selective," Clinton noted. "But in these tough economic times, I'm listening to offers from just about anyone."

Winning Line
The awards season reaches its climax this weekend and the Weekend Desk has the predictions covered. No big surprises here; we project Scumbag Millionaire will continue its dominance over The Leader.

Feeling Lucky
Finally this week, officials have discounted theories that the lost city of Atlantis could be found just by Googling it. They noted the reclusive metropolis also has ditched its Facebook account over privacy concerns.