The Weekends & Holidays Desk Report

While the nation celebrates independence, we'll be monitoring these events - as well as breaking news that could impact your freedom - from our Weekends & Holidays Desk. The Papers will return on Wednesday.

Market Update
Constitutional Integrity saw an unexpected surge on the domestic market when a hostile takeover bid was resoundingly defeated. Still, it appears the international markets are cautious in embracing the news, noting the determination of industry insiders to divide and conquer CI at all cost.

World Currency Soccer
This weekend's World Cup Quarterfinals boil down to the rest of the world versus the Eurozone, and if early returns are any indication it's not looking too good for the rest of the world. Even the celebrated Brazilian attack may not be able to shake off a flagging real. Our hopes, and our money, are on the venerable pound sterling to sneak out the win.

Watch Yourself, Ebert
Introducing a bill to censure The New York Times for the egregious crime of reporting the news, House Speaker (and Illinois Republican congressman) Dennis Hastert fierily declared, "loose lips kill American people." We couldn't agree more, and sincerely hope that Congress turns its attention to this guy, who by our measure may be the greatest mass-murderer in history.

Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye
A group of elderly ladies representing the Grannie Peace Brigade was arrested this week as they attempted to enlist in the U.S. Army. Apparently they refused to leave when told they were too old for active duty. Eh, give it a year. They'll probably need you by then.

Live Fat-Free or Die
Officials this week announced plans to relieve Chicago's notoriously clogged arteries. We're anticipating radical bypass operations and innovative treatment plans that will make all our lives . . . oh wait . . . sorry, turns out it's just the City Council minding everyone's business but their own.

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