The Weekend Desk Report

We're tracking all the stories you need to follow this weekend, so you can go on out and finish that pesky holiday shopping you still have left to take care of. C'mon. For real. If you love your country, for Pete's sake BUY SOMETHING!

Market Update
Observers have long noted that global finances have been hanging on by a thread. It now appears that not only were they right, but that thread just snapped.

Fight On
Embattled shameless bastard Rod Blagojevich this week vowed to fight until his last breath during a brief but testy press conference. In regards to the specific charge that he tried to angle for an appointment as President-elect Obama's Secretary of Health and Human Services, Blago scoffed, "Of course I'm going to fight that one. Have you seen Tom Daschle? I could bench-press that little fucker."

Last In, First Out
Meanwhile, Obama this week sought to complete his cabinet appointments early in the mistaken belief this would earn him some sort of vacation. In explaining why he waited until the last minute to appoint a Secretary of Labor, the president-elect pointed to national trends. "If the latest statistics are any indication, Hilda Solis' first official act will be to lay herself off," Obama noted. "And America doesn't need another vested 401k liability hanging over its head."

Sign O' The Times
We here at the Weekend Desk are feeling the economic pinch as well. We have been forced to suspend our popular Fantasy Dictator League pool because, with such a clear front-runner, we'd absolutely lose our shirts.

Grandmother's Little Helper
And finally this week, Police in Alaska have arrested the mother of Bristol Palin's baby-daddy. While no specifics have been confirmed, it is believed she was caught with Oxycondone, a powerful synthetic opioid. Legal analysts predict that, given the suspect's unique need to dull the pain of her bleak family future, she will most likely walk.

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