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The Weekend Desk Report

Market Update
Dazed by a string of unfortunate public statements, United States President and CEO George W. Bush floated the idea of a one-time citizen buy-back, saying the low cost of human life did not reflect the company's core values. However, analysts warn the move did little to mollify investors who are displeased with the company's fundamental business practices.

World Cup Suckers
After a devastating attack on U.S. interests overseas, Ghana has officially been decertified as a friend in the war on terror. In fact, at the time of this writing, we hear the United Kingdom is busily sexing-up a dossier on Ghana's yellowcake distribution habits.

Fear of the Unknown
Vice President Dick Cheney this week downplayed the threat of North Korea testing a long-range missile, saying their capabilities are "fairly rudimentary." This attitude is a natural extension of the United States' established Wizard of Oz policy concerning weapons of mass destruction; once we know what's behind the curtain, it's really not that scary anymore. In keeping with this branch of diplomacy, it's only a matter of time before we relax about that whole Iran thing.

Operation Click-Off
Cheney also asserted this week that America must not withdraw troops from Iraq, as this would further destabilize the region and create a safe haven for terrorists. His comments came as the Senate overwhelmingly rejected two proposals aimed at troop reductions. However, senators did broadly approve a measure to distribute magical remote controls to every American so they can fast-forward through every bloody, god-awful minute of the conflict.

Jail Bait, Eh
Canada's parliament has introduced legislation to raise the legal age of sexual consent from 14 to 16 in a bid to deter pedophiles. Because we all know once something is made illegal, nobody ever does it again.

Tout Sheet: Warming To Warming
Finally, if you're headed to the Theory Races this weekend, the odds on Global Warming have shortened from 5/1 to 2/3. Warming now stands as a co-favorite with Evolution and Heliocentrism. If you're looking to back a long-shot, we recommend Trepanation at 50/1.


Posted on June 23, 2006

MUSIC - A Plan To Pay Musicians.
TV - Local TV News By Amazon.
POLITICS - Nursing Homes Fought Safety Regs.
SPORTS - Beachwood Sports Radio: Baseball Is Blowing It.

BOOKS - Black Activism In The Civil War Midwest.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Weird Shit Field Museum Workers Keep At Home.

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