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The Weekend Desk Report

We were hoping we'd be tracking the firing of Dusty Baker, the retiring of Jennifer Aniston, and the impeaching of George W. Bush by now - because hey, in a way, the Weekend Desk is all about dreaming - but instead we're left with horror metal and another Homeland Security department screw-up, which, come to think of it, are kind of the same thing. Except that one is trying to frighten us. The other does it by accident. Here are the stories we've deployed our Weekend Desk staff to monitor in order to determine whether you should go back to your job on Monday or move your family into an underground shelter.

Market Update
It was a short week on the U.S. Foreign Reputation floor as investors sought to cash in on substantial gains before the market closed early in observance of shame.

The Little Apple
We were shocked to learn this week that U.S. Department of Homeland Security doesn't think there are any landmarks in New York City. What, they dismantled this too while they were tinkering with the Constitution? And surely this is still there, right? It sure seems like Homeland Security isn't on the ball when it comes to threats in midtown Manhattan. This terroristic suicide campaign was allowed to continue for days unabated until these Navy SEALS extricated the suspect and rescued a public held hostage in a daring raid. And this woman's 15-year reign of terror on our senses only came to an end when local authorities agreed to a sweetheart deal resulting in a mere 30 minutes of community service nightly. It's getting harder and harder these days to figure out who the real enemy is.

Kiss Off
After Finnish heavy metal band Lordi captured the 2006 Eurovision Song Content last weekend, a magazine in their native country has come under fire for publishing a picture of the band's lead singer without his signature fright mask.

Sales Pitch
Here we go again. We're going to give it a shot. Not that we know that we need to or want to, but we're committed. Of course, the $22 million doesn't hurt.


Posted on June 2, 2006

MUSIC - Spring Awakening Wake-Up Call!
TV - Exclusive! Rahm's New TV Gig.
POLITICS - The Political Odds UPDATED.
SPORTS - NHL: CTE Not Our Fault.

BOOKS - Stan Lee, Flawed Hero.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Chicagoetry: I Am Iron Man.

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