The Weekend Desk Report

While you're busy painting your face and munching popcorn this weekend, we'll be at our usual post.

Market Update
Snack futures took a beating this week, with miserable earnings reported on stocks of both salsa and chips. Meanwhile, the long-term strategic partnership between Beer and Pork looks likely to fizzle on the global market.

Bush-Over
It's been a banner week for President Bush in his attempts to corral the global forces of terrorism. After an unqualified victory over notorious bad parent North Korea, the U.S. president said he felt sure sustained pressure would eventually coax even the recalcitrant Paris Hilton to settle down.

Moving On
President Bush did, however, concede he may soon give up on his long-term relationship with Lindsay Lohan, telling reporters, "I just don't think she's that into me anymore."

Patrol Control
Governor Rob Blagojevich has threatened to redeploy Illinois state police to Chicago in an attempt to fight the "out-of-control" crime that threatens so much of our fair state. In response, Chicago Police Superintendent Jody Weis politely noted he's quite confident his force can "smoke out" the main perpetrators.

Policy Shift
Finally this week, due to economic pressures facing the weekend satirical reportage industry, the Weekend Desk has decided to stop covering America's increasingly shrill and oversensitive political mini-scandals until they get a bit more, well, Cheeky.