The Weekend Desk Report

We've been a bit busy, what with all the sorting and counting and hauling and such, but it's no big thing. We've still got you covered.

Market Update
Apparently, the people who lend you money have no money either. So, you know, still pretty rocky out there.

Presidential High
Out-going student body president George Bush this week vigorously denied spreading rumors about long-time BFF Silvio Berlusconi, saying he was only repeating what was already written on the bathroom wall. Meanwhile, the fight to succeed Bush continues. Top-jock John McCain is apparently "mega-pissed" that cheerleading captain Carly Fiorina "keeps shooting off her mouth," while uber-geek Barack Obama continues to prove you can hang out with the cool kids without actually being cool.

Not So Fast . . .
Hey, remember when North Korea was suddenly going to be all warm and fuzzy? Yeah, we didn't think it was going to last either.

Not So Hot . . .
Citing a need for better communication, Chicago top cop Jody Weis has clarified his earlier statements: Crime in our city is not "spiraling out of control." Except for those of us who had it coming anyway.

Not So Tall . . .
Local boutique coffee purveyor Intelligentsia this week announced it will no longer offer 20-oz. espresso drinks. "As with world leaders," a company statement declared, "we find the taller ones just cloud the issue."

Not So Fresh . . .
And finally this week, French First Lady Carla Bruni says she "understands" if the public rejects her new album because of who she's married to. If they reject her album because it's kinda trite, however, she'll be seriously pissed.