The Weekend Desk Report

We'd rather not watch the key stories this weekend, but Whitey's gonna make us.

Market Update
Thanks in large part to significant gains in Gas Costs and Inflation, Doomsday futures are once again through the roof.

Anagram of the Week
SLOW ZONE ELIMINATION = EL MAN WILT IN NOISE ZOO

Back to Black Market
Officials' fears concerning a nuclear cooperation agreement between the United States and Russia have been heightened. We can now confirm what many have long suspected: Russia covertly supports the international underworld.

Bid to Nowhere
For anyone wondering just how corrupt and pork-laden Chicago's 2016 Olympic bid is, it appears we've already progressed to Bridge-to-Nowhere status.

As the World Turbines
In connection with the above item, the Weekend Desk sports book is pleased to announce the following odds on what will be powered by the Eco-Bridge wind turbines:

Impeachment Memos: 4/5
Chicago Children's Museum: 3/1
Ron Huberman, 20/1
Curbside Recycling: 50/1

Cruising Altitude
Finally this week, memo to Dr. Drew: duh.

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Also for your weekend pleasure:
* The Five Dumbest Ideas of the Week
* The Papers and Weekend Desk archive
* The Beachwood on MySpace!
* The Beachwood on YouTube!
* The Beachwood on Flickr!

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Coming Monday:
* SportsMonday!
* The Cub Factor!
* The White Sox Report!
* A dispatch from our new Japanese bureau!
* I Shot The Band: A new music feature you are going to love!
* Citizen Kate: A new political feature you are going to love!
* Disheartened: Our comics correspondent returns!
* Our favorite local chefs' final comments on the Top Chef finale!

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Coming next week:
* Any of the above things that didn't make it in Monday!
* More of the favorite features you already love!