The Weekend Desk Report

We're roasting hot at the Desk this weekend. No, seriously, we are.

Market Update
Corporate America saw its largest-ever surge on the Rational Panic Index, joining Half of Asia among the week's biggest gainers. Analysts predict growth for these new tigers could soon outpace the record gains posted by Everyone Else on Earth.

Narry Relosi
The DNC's venerable leadership chimera flexed its muscle yet again this week, crushing the resistance of Hilary Clinton. Time will tell if this paves the way for the creation of Barillary Clinbama.

Games Begin
Now that Chicago is officially a finalist for the 2016 Summer Olympics, bid officials promised to step up their radical efforts to empty the South Side completely. Indeed, at least one high-profile resident is already making plans to leave.

Visible Panty Line
Just another sobering reminder: when in doubt, wear briefs.

Beachwood Stakes
With several high-profile sporting events due to tip this weekend, it's time one again to check in with the Beachwood Weekend Desk Prognostication Department. We're not saying the acrylic patch on Big Brown's hoof will give him an unfair advantage in his quest for the Triple Crown. But the three-inch glamour tips might provide extra bite on that Belmont Park turf. Meanwhile, Los Angeles Chief Antonio Villaraigosa must be pinching himself that Boston's unheralded Thomas Menino somehow knocked overwhelming favorite Kwame Kilpatrick out of this year's Sleazy Mayor Invitational last round. Now, he's got a chance.

Counting County
Finally this week, a Cook County board member expressed outrage at the practice of billing for work that wasn't done. Analysts say this could pose as big a threat to the county's financial health as the work that is being done.