The Weekend Desk Report

We're not sure, but it looks like terrorist wing-nut Rachel Ray may in fact be the model for that slutty new Starbuck's logo. We'll be pounding the pavement to find answers for you this weekend.

Market Update
Paranoia futures surged to an all-time high this week after numerous revelations of long-ranging schemes, deliberate delays and flat-out lies proved once and for all that they really are out to fucking get us.

Delegate Operations
The cold war between Democratic front runners Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama rages on this weekend as the greater DNC brain trust continues to wrestle with the question of delegates. Meanwhile, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Leader Harry Reid are said to be losing patience with the whole affair. Sources close to the two congressional giants say they are confused as to why Clinton and Obama don't simply morph into one another as they have.

Triumvirate Tests
Hoping not to be out-done by last week's unusually strong showing from her sinister sisters, Britney Spears fired off a few missiles of her own. The tactic was nullified, however, when her own lawyer revealed she has no long-range capability whatsoever.

To The Rezko
Lawyers for embattled political fixer Tony Rezko will no doubt spend their weekend fighting his latest potential arrest. Sources close to the team say they will argue Rezko's whopping $450,000 gambling bet is actually an attempt to get in on the ground floor of Charles Barkley's potential 2010 run for Alabama governor. So, you know, that's been covered.

And Finally...
We've started summer hours here at the Weekend Desk, so this week we're going to let you finish the Report. Enjoy!