The Weekend Desk Report

Savor this special Memorial Day edition of The Weekend Desk Report, if only because it tastes better than that crappy potato salad you'll politely choke down at that lame barbecue. That's no way to honor our fallen. The Papers will return on Tuesday.

Market Watch
On the Constitutional Crisis Index, separation of powers saw its stock rise considerably on news of concessions from its chief executive. Freedom of speech futures were once again sharply lower, leading some analysts to predict a sell-off. And due process staged a rally on strong consumer confidence numbers. Analysts caution, however, that the market could cool when sentencing figures are released this fall.

Sforza Italia
Silvio Berlusconi continues to insist he is the democratically-elected leader of Italy despite his opponent already having been sworn in. In keeping with tradition in these situations, he has already been booked for an appearance on Saturday Night Live.

Short-Changed
Memorial Day Weekend marks the official start of rollercoaster season (the savvy amusement park aficionado waits out spring training) and with that, America's vertically-challenged citizens suffer another round of humiliating height inspections. New this year: You must be as tall as the top bunk to gain admittance to Prisonland.

Iran Wasteland
Aching for more respect, Iran this week complained that the United States totally still treats Iran like a frickin' 5-year-old. The United States responded coolly, indicating it would treat Iran like a grownup only when Iran begins to act like one. Meanwhile, Britain is still trying to work out visitation. Both countries did admit, however, that they don't always get things right with their young democracy, even as they reiterated that whatever they do, it's only because they love Iraq so much.

Mart Smart
The city council of Hercules, California, dealt a blow to retail behemoth Wal-Mart recently by voting to seize land intended for a new store. The town cited a Supreme Court ruling supporting the use of imminent domain to protect the public from vast amounts of cheap, tacky crap. It is believed this same principle may be used in the future to shield city residents from an influx of uninspired clothing and press-board furniture every already owns.

Oil Slick
Holding a comfortable 3-1 Western Conference Championship Series lead, the Edmonton Oilers are poised to reach the Stanley Cup finals at the expense of the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. This comes as no surprise given the lop-sided history of the oil vs. duck rivalry. While no data exists to handicap a potential Oilers-Sabres finals match-up, we can project a comfortable win for the Carolina Hurricanes should they win through in the Eastern Conference.

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