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The [Wednesday] Papers
The Humboldt Park Alligator is one of those things that teeters on the brink of being so cool and something we can all get behind and so lame in the over-the-top media response that I just don't know where I land on it. I'd guess I'd say it's kind of a blast but don't smother it like you do everything. Let cool stuff breathe, people. Let it breathe. That's what the Beatles meant to say.
The big question, of course, is how did it get there. The lagoon doesn't connect to the Everglades via river, for godsake. Does it connect to anything, except maybe some pipes? And where do those pipes connect to? It didn't swim there from Lake Michigan.
Maybe somebody put it there? Dropped an alligator into the lagoon? Maybe it's been there all along, for eons, lurking. Just waiting for the right time to emerge. To warn us. Heed the gator, people! Heed the gator.
Maybe it's not a real alligator at all. Maybe it's performance art, like by that set-the-riverboats-on-fire theater group. Who's up for GatorFest?
Maybe the gator escaped from Taste of Chicago, where it was gonna be served up on a stick.
Maybe it's Rahm Emanuel, returned to his natural state.
There are a lot of possibilities, almost none of them good.
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And aren't urban alligators called alleygators?
See, this sort of thing can turn lame on a dime.
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"Richard Crowley, president of the Chicago Herpetological Society, told CNN he believes the reptile was brought to the lagoon, possibly by someone who owned it illegally (it's illegal to own an alligator in the State of Illinois)."
Behind every great mythological origin story is a crime.
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"I'm sorry, the Humboldt Park lagoon isn't zoned for gator."
"Yeah, but aldermanic privilege."
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Assignment Desk: Which pols has the gator contributed to? Who got the alligator t-shirt contract?
Remember, there are no coincidences in Chicago.
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I'm almost ashamed of those last couple of sentences. Let it breathe, Rhodes. Let it breathe. Besides, too obvious. Not great comedy.
But you know what? Monetize that gator!
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ATTENTION: Please do not try to catch the Humboldt Park Gator.
— Chicago PD 14th Dist (@ChicagoCAPS14) July 10, 2019
Alligator Bob is the hero we all deserve right now. Give him space and let him humanely catch our new friend 🐊 #GatorWatch2019 https://t.co/IU0ZO9TJfp
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"Baby turtles and alligators may seem like a cute idea for a pet, but they grow up."
— Chicago PD 14th Dist (@ChicagoCAPS14) July 10, 2019
-Rex Banner
And now here we are at the Humboldt Park Lagoon...#GatorWatch2019 🐊 pic.twitter.com/eYHUcUA1al
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No gator sightings in Humboldt Park today, but a lot of gator peepers. Highlight was overhearing a cop tell a pale young hipster to "stand in the sun, it's good for you." An obvious lie. pic.twitter.com/h01dGepHA1
— Chicago Film Society (@thefilmsociety) July 10, 2019
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Thread.
Alligator Bob, you should just jump in. The water's fine. It's about 20% Olde Style beer at this point, but that's what makes it "fine."
— Humboldt Gator (@CrocOfChi_t) July 10, 2019
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New on the Beachwood today . . .
The Hood CNN
How Zack Stoner documented Chicago.
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Did The U.S. Supreme Court Just Establish Christianity?
Not just a legal disgrace, but a theological one.
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Remembering Chicago Roller Derby Pioneer Jerry Seltzer
'He lived a million lives.'
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Blues Legend Paul Oscher Is A Mess
Lived and performed with Muddy Waters on the South Side.
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ChicagoReddit
Chicago on a T-Shirt from r/chicago
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ChicagoGram
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ChicagoTube
Paris fashion by the Chicago Sunday Tribune in 1932. In color, and including real leg o' mutton sleeves.
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BeachBook
UT-Austin Will Provide Free Tuition To Undergrads With Family Incomes Below $65,000.
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TweetWood
A sampling.
— Beachwood Reporter (@BeachwoodReport) July 10, 2019
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Alleged rapist POTUS shows solidarity with alleged sex offender Kraft while defending convicted sex-offender-enabling Cabinet Secretary. Some days just need to end. Can only pray POTUS-endorsed sex offender Roy Moore doesn't crash news cycle! https://t.co/pTf4jiSIvJ
— Roland B. Hedley Jr. (@RealRBHJr) July 9, 2019
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Except the record shows you had the evidence in 2007. Remember the 53-page indictment, the phone records, the trash pulls, the flight manifests, the witnesses who worked for Epstein? https://t.co/aS7zN4ff9u
— julie k. brown (@jkbjournalist) July 9, 2019
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Donald Trump told Xi Jinping last month that the US would tone down criticism of Beijing's approach to Hong Kong following massive protests in the territory in order to revive trade talks https://t.co/V0YEbwBC14 pic.twitter.com/44vXoVZQ00
— Financial Times (@FinancialTimes) July 10, 2019
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It's a long list. A conceptual frame the media can't resist.
A list of people the media has said "paved the way" for Trump: https://t.co/ceC3MVtszf https://t.co/rlDdcLK7mf
— Beachwood Reporter (@BeachwoodReport) July 10, 2019
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Exclusive: The true origins of the Seth Rich conspiracy theory. A Yahoo News investigation. https://t.co/rXzc4p7mBf via @YahooNews
— Beachwood Reporter (@BeachwoodReport) July 9, 2019
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Ben Garrison, who drew this cartoon, will be a guest at the White House on Thursday for the social media summit.
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) July 9, 2019
It's important to note the name in the upper right hand corner. The Rothschilds have been the subject of Anti-Semitic conspiracy theories for centuries. pic.twitter.com/fgp4ZPn8GA
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Speaking at a Chicago school board meeting is a feat of endurance for parents. It shouldn't be. https://t.co/Tek95q5fzK
— Beachwood Reporter (@BeachwoodReport) July 9, 2019
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The Beachwood McRibTipLine: Reference tone.
Posted on July 10, 2019
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