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The [Wednesday] Papers

"Sears Holdings Corp. suffered its worst stock decline in six weeks after acknowledging 'substantial doubt' about its future, raising fresh concerns about whether a company that was once the world's largest retailer can survive," Bloomberg reports.

"Sears added so-called going-concern language to its latest annual report filing, suggesting that weak earnings have cast a pall on its ability to keep operating. The 131-year-old department-store chain, which has lost more than $10 billion in recent years, was cited last year by Fitch Ratings as a company at high risk of defaulting."

Not to make light of a disaster long in the making, but back in January, amidst discouraging Sears news, Beachwood Labs got to work on a recovery plan for a post that got lost in the shuffle. Here's that post now:

Saving Sears
The Sears death spiral continues.

"Sears Is Running Out Of Rotting Assets To Sell To Stay Alive," The Street reported over the weekend.

"Sears Is 'One Sick Puppy,' And There May Be No Remedy," Marketplace reports.

The company is a madhouse on the edge of bankruptcy, according to a devastating Business Insider account.

So Beachwood Labs is swinging into action. Our ideas for saving Sears:

* Whatever you do, don't sell Craftsman! Oops.

* Change the company's name to Yahoo!, a designation which should be available soon. Add another exclamation point to signify the company name's second life: Yahoo!!

* Start selling booze. For the working man. Working man's booze. Sears & Beers.

* Change the concept to Sears Americana: Where America Shopped. Each store would be a tribute to an imaginary past, marketed to the white working class. Expand the overall inventory - as in the inventory of overalls.

* Rename the company Marshall Field's.

* New celebrity endorsers like that Bruce Springsteen cover band that bailed out of Trump's inauguration.

Yeah, that's as far as we got.


P.S.: Oh shit, we did this six years ago!


Fantasy Fix Draft Guide Pt. 3: The Professor!
Guess who's No. 59?!


A sampling.

He should know, they were at the same meeting.






The Beachwood Tronc Line: Elementary.


Posted on March 22, 2017

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


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