The [Wednesday] Papers

News, views, spews.

1. "Does a pumpkin bounce if you drop it from a second story balcony in the Museum of Science and Industry?" Chicago Parent asks.

Not if you hit your target.

2. "Mayor Rahm Emanuel today dumped the entire board that oversees enforcement of ethics and campaign finance rules at City Hall, calling it 'a new day for ethics and accountability in Chicago,'" the Tribune reports.

"During the quarter-century it has existed, the ethics board has been criticized as lax on enforcement. The panel hasn't found a single case of wrongdoing by aldermen, even though more than 20 were convicted of felonies in that period."

Hey, anyone can have a bad quarter-century.

3. "Richard Gonzalez, who Abbott Laboratories at one time claimed obtained a master's degree from the University of Miami, attended the school for just four months, records show," Crain's reports.

"Mr. Gonzalez, who has been tapped to head Abbott's pharmaceutical spinoff, AbbVie, attended the university from Jan. 1 to May 1, 1974, according to a school record released Monday by the National Student Clearinghouse, the organization that handles enrollment and degree verification services for many colleges.

"In filings with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission from 2002 to 2007, Abbott also said Mr. Gonzalez received a bachelor's degree in biochemistry from the University of Houston. Last week, the Texas school confirmed that Mr. Gonzalez was enrolled from fall 1972 to fall 1973 and did not receive a degree."

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Also, records show that while I once toured Abbott, I never actually worked there. I'm sure the company will understand, though.

4. "A police helicopter discovered a patch of marijuana plants the size of two football fields nestled among heavy brush along the Bishop Ford Freeway on the Southeast Side," the Tribune reports.

So about the size of Jay Cutler's immaturity.

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"The sheriff's deputy aboard the helicopter spotted the pot while flying above overgrown wetlands near Stony Island and 105th Street around noon Tuesday.

"The plants are pretty big. They're as big as Christmas trees," Chicago police Lt. Michael Ryle told WGN-TV. "Some of the plants are as tall as 10 feet tall."

Dear Rahm: Budget balanced!

5. "A City Council panel on Tuesday recommended paying $3.4 million to settle a lawsuit brought by a man freed after serving eight years behind bars in a murder case that was dropped when he obtained police reports pointing to another suspect," the Tribune reports.

Can we give him those two football fields too? Sheesh.

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Shouldn't the people responsible for these familiar miscarriages of justice be fired and prosecuted?

6. University of Chicago paleontologist Paul Sereno has discovered a vampire dinosaur.

So counting Rahm Emanuel, that makes two.

7. Adam Greenberg is getting a Topps card.

Instead of a stick of gum, it will come with a Band-Aid.

8. This Amp Now Goes To 30.

And it's in Chicago.

9. Fantasy Fix: For The Defense.

Bears not available.

10. The Wilson Underpass.

Waking up in America.

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The Beachwood Tip Line: Bouncy.

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