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The [Wednesday] Papers

Ripped from the headlines.

1. Taking Cell Call Tops List Of Job Interview Blunders.

What if it's a better offer?

2. Rhymefest Cleared To Run For Office In Chicago After Dispute.

"The rap star's eligibility to run in the February election was contested, amidst claims that he did not meet the residency requirements."

*

Two turntables and a microphone in his crawl space deemed evidence he always intended to return to his ward.

3. Midway Airport Worst For Delays; O'Hare 10th.

For lines at restrooms, too.

4. Death Penalty In Quinn's Hands.

Wouldn't it be safer in hands that don't shake so much?

5. Jersey's Sweetheart Is Getting Dangerous.

"Chicago-based Dangerous Marketing Company has signed a marketing agreement with Sammi 'Sweetheart' Giancola from MTV's hit show The Jersey Shore, to be the face of their new fragrance, 'Dangerous.'"

*

Maybe they oughta call it Tangerous.

6. While We Were Sleeping, Illinois Raised Our Income Tax 66 Percent.

From 3 percent to 5 percent. So you could say our taxes are going up 66 percent, or you could say our taxes are going up by 2 percent. That's the trouble with using percentages for small numbers. For example, let's say the state income tax was a penny a person. Now let's say the legislature decided to make it two pennies a person. That's a 100 percent increase!

*

While we were sleeping, the media made us dumber.

7. Chicago To Test Water For Chromium 6.

Rahm Emanuel promises chromium 7 if elected.

Carol Moseley-Braun promises chromium for all of Chicago.

Gery Chico says he won't ban chromium lobbyists from doing business with the city.

Miguel del Valle was available for comment but nobody bothered to call him.

8. Northwestern Students Ride The El - Without Pants.

Northwestern Sees 10.5 Percent Increase In Freshman Applications.

9. Walgreen Aims To Fill More 90-Day Prescriptions.

Northwestern Sees 10.5 Percent Increase In Freshman Applications.

10. Chicago Principals Favor Powerful, Politically-Connected Kids.

So do Chicago presidents.

-

The Beachwood Tip Line: Best in show.




Permalink

Posted on January 12, 2011


MUSIC - PJ Harvey Wins Pitchfork.
TV - 24 Hours With Velocity.
POLITICS - Reminder: U.S. Health Care Sucks.
SPORTS - World Roller Derby Day.

BOOKS - Trump's True Believers.

PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Land After Frac Sand.


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