The [Wednesday] Papers

A series of semi-random thoughts . . .

*

I found myself standing across the street from Bank of America downtown yesterday staring at its waving flag and thinking that we should organize a spit-in.

*

So our governor for the next four years is going to be either Pat Quinn or Bill Brady, and one of our senators for the next six years is going to be Mark Kirk or Alexi Giannoulias. I don't like living here anymore.

*

"Less than a year after unanimously approving an overhaul of the state Freedom of Information Act to make public records more accessible, legislators have introduced at least a half-dozen bills aimed at making access more difficult," the Springfield State Journal-Register reports.

I don't like living here anymore.

*

"A Rhode Island lawyer seeking to become lieutenant governor says he's running for office again and has an unusual plan for the position," WKRG reports.

"Robert Healey Jr. said Tuesday he would move to eliminate the office if elected this November. Healey, who established the Cool Moose Party, ran for lieutenant governor in 2002 and 2006. He ran for governor before that.

"Healey says he believes the position of lieutenant governor is a waste of taxpayer money. He says he wouldn't hire staff or accept a salary. He would ask voters to amend the constitution to eliminate the position."

A. Why can't we have a Cool Moose Party?

B. I wonder how much the National Lieutenant Governors Association plans on spending for lobbying this year to save their members' jobs.

*

The city won't let me use my fake address anymore either. I live on Wicker Park Avenue but for years I've told people I live at If You Have To Ask You Can't Afford Me Drive.

*

I feel like there was a better punch line to that item but I couldn't quite nail it.

*

"Can Olympics-inspired nationalism stem the long decline of Molson Canadian?" Ad Age wonders.

I sure hope so!

*

Mmm, Canadian beer . . .

*

Mmm, Mexican beer . . .

*

Mmm, NAFTA beer . . .

*

"Despite the fact that over a million people remained homeless in Haiti one month after the earthquake, the US Ambassador to Haiti, Ken Merten, is quoted at a State Department briefing on February 12, saying 'In terms of humanitarian aid delivery . . . frankly, it's working really well, and I believe that this will be something that people will be able to look back on in the future as a model for how we've been able to sort ourselves out as donors on the ground and responding to an earthquake.'"

Helluva job, Kenny.

*

A Facebook page for the Robert Taylor Homes has 1,987 fans as of this writing.

(h/t: Ethan Michaeli)

*

"Public financing of the proposed $84 million Cactus League ballpark for the Chicago Cubs could face a lawsuit from the Goldwater Institute," the Phoenix Business Journal reports.

Again, lost for the right punch line. Hey, I can't be "on" all the time.

COMMENT: From David Rutter:

How about . . .

"I would remind you that extremism in the defense of a free ride for the Cubs is no vice. And let me remind you also that moderation in the pursuit of one damn, effing World Series appearance is no virtue."

- Barry's ghost

*

Setting The Spring Training Table.

Advantage: White Sox.

*

Baseball's Top 40.

And not a Cub among them.

*

"Olympic Lobbying A Year-Round Sport."

Don't we know it.

*

Our Olympic American Idols.

*

"The Illinois Senate plans to meet behind closed doors this morning to hear a presentation by experts about state budgets and the national economy, a move that open government advocates called baffling," the Tribune reports.

"The unusual secret gathering is being billed as a 'joint caucus' of the majority Democrats and the minority Republicans, two groups that represent the entire 59 members of the Illinois Senate. The caucuses routinely meet separately to plot partisan strategy, and the public is not invited. But a joint meeting is very rare.

"The spokeswoman for Senate President John Cullerton, D-Chicago, said the event will be closed because the presentation to be given by the Denver-based National Conference of State Legislatures will not fall under the state Constitution's requirements to be open."

She cited Illinois' unique Combine Clause, which was once written into the state Constitution with invisible ink and passed by a majority of members voting "Present."

*

The Illinois Senate is meeting in secret today. Just wanted to reinforce that.

*

The Illinois Senate President is John Cullerton (D-Chicago).

Cullerton.

D-Chicago.

*

D stands for Democrat.

*

I just like to point that out because so many of my Democratic friends are so sanctimonious about how purely evil Republicans are. And they're mostly right. But they're only seeing half the story.

*

I'm a huge Family Guy fan. Huge. But this isn't right. It would be nice to see some bipartisan outrage.

*

Contact John Cullerton here.

*

"Justin Halpern created a firestorm of buzz with his 'Shit My Dad Says' Twitter feed, a chronicle of humorous musings from his cantankerous, septuagenarian father," our very own Drew Adamek writes. "Halpern has more than a million followers and just signed a sitcom development deal with CBS.

"Since Halpern is living the wet dream of bloggers and Twitterers everywhere, I thought I would try to cash in too. But I rarely leave the house anymore, and my Dad isn't nearly that entertaining. In fact, he's a bit of a homebody too, so I went with the next best thing.

"Here, then, is (Boring) Shit My Dad Says."

*

Thurston Moore vs. Axl Rose.

*

Personally, I find Thurston Moore a bore, but there you go.

*

Now wasn't that so much better than a Richard Roeper column? Spent more than 15 minutes on it, too.
-

The Beachwood Tip Line: Unipartisan.

© 2006 - 2012, The Beachwood Media Company