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The [Wednesday] Papers

By Steve Rhodes

I was unexpectedly called upon to work the door at the Beachwood Inn last night, so I haven't had time to fully digest Scott Brown's win in Massachusetts and I missed the Quinn-Hynes debate. I still have a few items on each today, but I'll have more tomorrow.

I'm also taking a brief guest bartending slot on Friday night (8 p.m. to 10 p.m.) to train in for real shifts down the road, so stop in and remember to tip generously. It beats writing for And maybe every journalist ought to have a side gig at a bar. Call it the new business model.

Mass To Health Care: Drop Dead
Our very own Drew Adamek sent me this list last night of headlines he expected to see this morning.

* Mass Panic

* Mass Hysteria

* Mass Holes

* Mass Grave

* Black Mass

* Another Fine Mass

* Christ, Mass

* Obama Says Fuck on National TV

* Burial Mass

* A Can of Whoop Mass

* Mass Whooping

* Mass Kicking

* Dems Make a Mass of it

And, of course:

* MASSacre

Double Trouble
"Continuing a push he started in TV attack ads, the normally placid Hynes was especially pointed in his rhetoric," the Tribune reports. "He waited until near the end of the debate before trying to brand Quinn with the scarlet letter of the indicted former governor.

"'Remember, Pat, the reason you're governor today is because you were Rod Blagojevich's running mate. Twice,' Hynes said."

Question for Hynes: Do you also think it was wrong of Barack Obama to campaign for Blagojevich?


"The latest chapter in the controversy centered on Corrections Director Michael Randle's Jan. 13 memo ordering employees to steer all media inquiries through the department's official spokeswoman. Hynes said Quinn is hypocritical because he criticized the Blagojevich administration for a similar directive to Illinois State Police personnel a few years ago.

"On Tuesday, Quinn said the current situation is different because the Corrections Department is involved.

"'When you have (a) law enforcement agency, it's very important to have information done in a proper way,' Quinn said, ignoring that the state police is an enforcement agency."

Quinn later professed surprise that the Toll Highway Authority collects tolls and the Illinois Racing Board involves horses.


"Quinn also raised a few eyebrows by twice referring to taxpayers getting 'gypped,' a reference to a derogatory stereotype that people of the Roma ethnicity, often referred to as 'gypsies,' are swindlers and thieves. Afterward, Quinn, who was battling a cold, said the term applied to the situation."

Because A) state government is filled with swindlers and thieves and B) one of them gave him his cold.


"The candidates differed also on gay marriage. Hynes is for it, calling it a basic civil rights issue. Quinn wouldn't go that far, favoring civil unions."

In other words, Quinn doesn't mind that gay people are getting gypped.


"Quinn also launched a new line of attack against Hynes, saying Hynes was using the same criticism against him that he used against Barack Obama when Hynes ran for the Senate seat Obama won in 2004," the Sun-Times reports.

"He said, 'You voted for George Ryan's taxes and fees in order to get your piece of the pork pie.' That's what he said to our now-president," Quinn said.


Late Voting
"Sneed's 'Shock 'em' award goes to Dem lieutenant governor hopeful Art Turner, who apparently wastes no podium time to pitch his candidacy - even at a funeral," Sneed reports.

"To wit: Sneed is told Turner spoke at the recent funeral of his former chief of staff Bea Smith - and intoned if Smith were here today she would tell you to vote for Art Turner."

Actually I think Turner said Bea Smith would be voting for him even though she isn't with us anymore, and everyone else should too.


Note: I wouldn't have used this item if Sneed hadn't actually confirmed the account with Turner.


Acknowledgement: Dead voter jokes are stale, I know.

Life . . .
. . . is a series of deaths. In Chicagoetry.

Click Submit
And other useful pieces of fantasy sports advice. In Fantasy Fix.


The Beachwood Tip Line: For your approval.


Posted on January 20, 2010

MUSIC - Millions Of New Guitar Players.
TV - "One America News" is AT&T.
POLITICS - When Wall Street Came To My Mobile Home Park.
SPORTS - Tonyball, Bears On The Run, Eyes On The Sky & More!

BOOKS - China Holding Swedish Publisher.


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