The [Wednesday] Papers

1. "A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday."

He will do community service on a garbage scow instead of going to jail.

2. "An Australian man has been fined after buckling in a case of beer with a seat belt but leaving a 5-year-old child to sit on the car's floor."

A) Good. Everyone knows you should use a car seat to secure a case of beer.
B) Good. That beer should have been in a cooler.
C) Um, anyone know what happened to the beer?

3. "City Council Moves Toward Ousting Mayor."

If only we were another Detroit.

4. "Vatican: It's OK To Believe In Aliens."

Including the Holy Trinity.

5. "Sneed hears a name surfacing as a possible John McCain veepmate is conservative U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia."

Er, well, she heard it from a crazy mumbling person on her way to work.

6. I'll leave the punch lines for this one to the late-night professionals.

7. "Einstein dismissed the idea of God as the produce of human weakness and the Bible as 'pretty childish.'"

And thus could never be elected president.

8. "Aldermen opposed to Chicago's controversial restaurant ban on foie gras said they will try to force a vote Wednesday to repeal the measure."

They say Chicago is a laughingstock because of all the time spent on the ordinance.

9. "City Council May Oppose Iran Invasion."

But Daley determined to go ahead anyway.

10. "State House Panel OKs Label For Toys With Lead."

Label would read "This toy contains lead."

11. "Fermilab expects to lay off about 140 employees in the coming weeks - about 10 percent of the Batavia physics laboratory's staff, once retirements and resignations are factored in, an official said Friday."

* Subatomic muon particles will be purchased from Third World sweatshops.

* Quark division will be merged with accounting; new double-entry bookkeeping system will feature money that is or isn't there.

12. "Chicago Cop Found With Undelivered Tickets Fired."

Has interview with post office tomorrow.

13. "Cubs Sale Delay Possible."

Steve Bartman left contracts on roof his car and drove off.

14. "Record Condo Numbers To Saturate Downtown."

Vatican reiterates it's okay to believe in aliens.

15. "Lawsuit: JetBlue Pilot Made Passenger Sit On The Toilet."

Had to make room for case of beer.

16. "Fewer Fliers Won't Mean Roomier Planes This Summer."

Part of new Toilet Class trend.

17. "Pastor John Hagee Says He's Sorry For Anti-Catholic Remarks."

Meant to rip Jews.

18. "Stroger Visits Hoffman Estates, Says He's Not Afraid Of The Suburbs."

But vote on the matter expected to be close.

19. "Icahn Pondering Proxy Fight For Yahoo."

Uses Google to find out more about the company.

20. "Pritzker Family Member Buys Auctioned Pritzker Land."

Parcel will be named Pritzker instead of Pritzker.

The Beachwood Tip Line: Auctionable.